aaaaaahhhhhhhh i loved him so.................

It hurts
It hurts
It hurts


Can i have a place in the freezer to shove my sore heart in.

Can i have a corner to hide so that i can cry those tears i'm not supposed to shed.

Can i have a day alone with no commitments nobody nowhere .. just me with me in a blank space.

Can I have a time stand still when i can yell my heart's rage out ... and noone hears it.

Can i have my life back please? any part of it.. really. just not this.

I taste blood..
The air is vile..
Evil's last laugh..
The echoes still linger..

Thaw as u might..
but its written ..
like on stone..

Its gone..
naught is left..
but my plight..

8.40 am at work

I reached the office around 7.45 am. I felt triumphant about being the first in the office. It is about all that i can accomplish for the moment. My pending volume has incresed to 180 reports. When the prescribed by the sprvsr is below 150 and the client below 100.

Now that is SLACK!

Reason: Maybe its cos I hate this mandane job? Maybe its cos "lazy" runs through my veins. Maybe its cos i am down. Maybe its cos i am in more shit than i can handle. Maybe its cos i have a low pay. Maybe its cos i am not an accounts person. Maybe its cos my heart and soul is not here. Maybe its cos of the long ongoing lack of sleep. Maybe its cos.. of me.


Hack i have no idea why. but i am slackening.. and i can see it. and not proud of it.

Someone please shoot me.

I feel like a perfect piece of manure.

The supervsr just scolded me...
I feel down already... ya.. i've been slacking..
but only in my follow ups! thats cos i am freaking lost.. at what to do... and what i am not supposed to do.. and i'll be yelled at for giving excuses if i were to try and explain that.
Ya. I hate following up cos it sucks to be begging people and having too many hands on one thing... half the stuff are with her and half are with me.. somethings she said she'll handle and days later she'll ask me what happen and why i am not taking action. And i am caught off gaurd. When hours later i realize... she said she'll look into it. There were times when she told me to go ahead and process something first and then chase for document , a week or so later she'll ask how can i process b4 complete collation of documents. Its wrong! bla bla bla... and i get stunned at again.. i used to make fun of lak (i call her "486" pvt joke) cos of this... but little did i no i'd be stuck in such situations...

I can't blame... i no i am slackening and although the hours are there.. the quality is not there...

half my heart is here... the other half is .. dead.. half my brain is here.. the other half is also.. dead.. or wandering off..

ironically i hear her punching out the keys in her keyboard more often and with an angst.. i believe she is going to whine once again to the big boss.. fine so go ahead. I am leaving anyways.

I hate this no life job where one repeats the same old shit over and over again... an utter waste of my time and also a tad too much expectations for the pay i get.

Ya.

whats the worst that can happen? Quit? ya sure.. i m more than happy to go.

Ok its 9am and i am at work.

I open my mail box and the first thing i see is an e-mail sent by my client co. boss.

Prologue:
At work, i handle the employee travel and entertainment expenses. I check if they are well within the company's internal controls and do the necessary according to each situation. For the past month, ever since my Client co. has declared IPO, they have been proposing some changes in the policy. There was a series of forwarded mails and replies going on for a month. So, finally it is at works now. And this is wat my client boss had to say

"the storm is coming.... Be prepared." ->ironically this was sent at 10.48pm last night.
goes to show what were his sentiments when he sent the mail isn't it?


Now for my personal life:

I think its only fair of me to update you guys after all that nonsense in turquoisehouse.

I have only 1 thing to say as of my current status in life

I am staying with my parents. For Good.


- Go figure


Ya. End of update. Mean? yes?


Yes yes. Sad it is but dont call me and ask to explain. I'm tired of explaining myself to anyone anymore. Over is over. Yes. Its fucken sickly shit. But hack it! I've had enough. I tried my best and there is no point in laying hopes on a sinking ship. No regrets though. My conscience is clear. I've done my stupid fair share of being a dumb ass filial thing without my own brain and heart. Yes! i have officially quit living for others!

It's

time

i

live

for

myself

Call me pessimist and i dont give a freak shit. Really, I can only thank god for the fire he has lit in me . The fire to excel. The fire to fly without any strings attached. A new chance. A brand new life. The one i begged for every night through my tears as i looked into the sky once before. I shall take this on as god given and move on. Yes move on i will. But i am not going to trust anyone the same anymore. I have passed the phase of smiling through my tears, making do beyond what i can afford, giving in for no reason and being duty bound for emotional attachments. I am not going to allow anyone to throw me off my tracks anymore. I will live the life.. i have always dreamed of. Now that it is entirely in my hands. As vast and scary as it seems..I do not want to waste it. I am young. I just need to be careful and sure of myself. I laid my fragile life upon what i thought were trusty hands without question and they almost crushed it beyond recognition. Once again, my gratitude for the lord.. he slapped me back to reality and gave me a chance to seized it before that.

Enough is enough. Its time i tie up those knots, break the barriers and fight it.

Ok i sound like some defiant juvenile... yuck!

On a random note: I have been craving for junkies a tad too much for my own good lately. I should stop... BUT I CANT!!!! ZzzzZZz... hopeless la u shanti... hopeless thing... CMI.. CMIAA


Someone shoot me please. A significant someone i know/used to know almost always has a revolver at hand. But i no he wldnt do it.. bhaz!

I officially declare that i am an underpaid employee...

Care to rescue anyone?!

I am worth more than that!!!!!!! walloweii...


advice to accts grads...

when an interviewer asks if you can do "full-set"
bloody hell say yes la!!! we paid our sch fee in full rite?.. and we graduated from our cos in full right?!
So why on earth wouldnt we know full set accounts?!!!!!
So dont be a fool... and understate your worth ppl!!.
We are taught to do full set accounts la ... our projects and all is full set!
AR/AP/ GL we no everything... take it on!

The morning rush could almost get me suicidal i tell u!

Selective people know selective things

Poor shanti.. she has been having her freedom at the worst times of her life...

There are loads of things i have been up to lately. There is no one person who knows my whole storey. Not so proud of it. Hell, I don't care. I'm not creating havoc here. I still have my limits. I know i am not making any sense at all. I think i am just trying to put into words what my thoughts are. Basically, it is scattered. I think I can figure the stock market out more than i can do so myself. I'm tired. I feel like looser for no reason. I know the state i am in and that there is no reason for me to feel as down as i am. But i do feel down! what can i do? Just go through it loh! I'm a lost sheep here. Noone can help me except for... me!

My friend "B" has been going through tough times lately. I totally understand how she feels. I cannot advice her much. Being there for her is about all that I can do for now. In my opinion, I think she has been rather rushy about things. She should slow down for her own sake. I told her that already. I can only hope she sticks to it. If she doesnt... I'd probably just kick her arse and then still be there for her.

I have been told never to babysit my friends. Acutally i agree with that. Your friends are individual by themselves. You may know them inside out but you will never know what it is like to "BE" them. I hope i made sense there. So, my believe is that your friend has to make her own decisions and live her own life and solve her own problems. As a friend, i owe her that much privacy. So the question is where do i stand as her friend? See.. she has me.. who knows the whole storey. I tell her my opinions.. I show her my piece of the view.. I tell her from my personal experience. Hence, I have an influence over her but the decision is hers to take. It is my down time too and she knows it. We hear each others' sad sad stories but we dont really need to comfort each other. Just the presence in it self is suffice. We really don't feel a great ounce better actually but its just a comfort.

I do feel lonely still... but i do want to be left alone.
I feel strong and independent ... but i've been actually crying myself to sleep for reasons contrary to that. Crazy gal you are shanti.. but thats just the way she is i guess.

I really want time out from all these... Yes, i do have a plan or two. When i was looking at my face in the mirror and brushing my teeth this morning ... i was thinking "haiz! only god knows how it is going to turn out.. wait wait wait... STOP! Shanti just realised sth then.. how it is all going to turn out is in MY hands... I am no more the little gal all so dependent on daddy's and mommy's permissio before i do anything.. I should go! i must go.. i have to! for my own freaking sake! " Ya.. one fruitful brushing that was.. but on a serious note.. i still am getting used to the way my life is now. This is a totally different phase of my life. It's vastness baffles me to a great extent. All i know for now is .. I need to seize it. The golden Q is.. yeppadi? how?!

But it is too early.. I cannot take off now.. I have to be patient.. consistent..calm ... steady ... work things out in a swift and clean manner.. all these is alot to ask out of me... considering the person i am.. and the situation i am in is not making it any easier...

If all turns out well.. then the ideal plan will execute.. One year... One year.. just one year.. I hope it flies.. all cos i work it out the way i wanted it.. And then.. and then ...

I dont want to dream of it too much... haha!

P.S. keerthu.. u better not kavukz me! Or i'll wring your neck! :p

dear time...

Please please fly fast...

I want to go home.. Haiz!

=(

Its 8.55 am...

Barely anyone is here yet..

ironically... work starts at 8.30 am

I was warned by my team lead....

that the co. policy is 8.30 am work starts...

So i should not come in timings 8.45am -9 am

Like i have been for the first few mths..

Just like the rest.. and her..

But at some pt .. it deemed as unacceptable to her anymore

So she said...

U must reach the seat at 8.30 am...

Eversince.. i have been sticking to that...

But..

I've almost never seen her reach here at that time...

Life can be unfair..

dowright unfair..

Like this?

It's a pity... this is a going to be a sad sad blog for sometime.. Its a pity cos that not wat i started it for....

I pity my readers... who are frying their precious brain cells w/o their own knowing trying to figure what on earth is going on with this gal.It's a pity cos.. they happen to be my friends..

I pity my mom ... i told her that she has no idea what i feel.. its pity cos its the truth that she silently admits too.

I pity my father...he's thinking that i think that he thinks that i think that he thinks that(sosf) ... that.. "my love for my family is being under estimated"... It's a pity... cos such a thought is lingering in the realm of where my family resides.

I pity my brother.. He has been there for me all this while .. its a pity.. cos i so happen to be his sister and that leads to a share in my mess..

I pity my sis in law.. she took a gamble and walked into this family with zero expectations.. Its a pity... cos as a wife.. she shares her husband's burden.. and hence.. a share of his sister's mess..

I pity alot of my other relatives... friends.. frienemies.. wellwishers.. they think i am having a blissful life... smiling in love.. somwhere out there... Its a pity.. cos thats not the way it is actually...

No I dont pity myself at all... And its not a pity that i dont...

Warning: Nonsense ahead!

My life is still the same as it has been for the past month. However, what i feel has been some what like a round about. One day i feel so determined to achieve and excel. The following day, i fall into melancholy. And then next day, I feel so down that i could literally fall cos of it. And the day after, I feel that all these is so surreal. And the next day i get sick and angry of the past few days. And the next day i plan to seize the day... and the next day.. and the next day.. and the next day.. day.. by .. day.. by.. day.. bhaz!

Where is this going to go. I feel i have suddenly lost my drive to live. Yet I feel that i should take this chance to live to the fullest and take pride in striving with freedom.

The end is reaching. When its over. That point.

...

This thought.... eats me inside out.


Let's see 25 yrs old and... what is shanti going to be like? Like this? Like that? Oh but what about that? Nah ... then .. this? ah.. well! watever! no.. i cannot say that.. see.. its in my hands.. i should see to it that.. this is e way i want that.. and that shld be done this way... so i should be doing this and this for now.. and in the meanwhile.. i should refrain from this and that.. after which, that and that will come along.. and then i hope that.. that .. will turn out fine..

oh wait a min.. how is that supposed to b fine.. whats fine to you shanti?

and wat was that?

oh.

...

ok So here is the first post to my brand new blog..
wouldnt call it "perfecto!"
but will do...

My side bar is rather.. hm... empty?
I dont like the font size..
but i'm happy with the tag box..(thats cos i customized it!)

I miss the little "It's my say" corner there..
Blogger is becoming rather unfriendly and testy at times..
maybe cos i am growing old.. and i am becoming resistent to the new features..

i really miss my old one though.. and i bet it misses me too..
But whats gotta go..
gotta go..
Oh hell.. i am sure i'll find one that suits me better in time...

So you can expect more changes to this blog over time..

Thats all for now..

Ta ra!