i sense an intruder... hence the halt !

I must say that life has been a little smoother...No significant progress though. I leave the house in the morning and return at night fall. The parents are not too happy because they think OT w/o a pay is bad. Haha! They had no idea that sometimes its OT with social life. :p oh well.. Whatever the case, the job has go in to the bin soon.

I've had time to catch up with a few friends.. some have gone missing for good. But I have a selective few that i NEED. I can bet my life on their presence when i need it. Push, Lak, Shank I can't thank u guys enough. Yes we've had our tough times... but the chemistry will nvr end.. There is hope. I love all three of u.. hugz! I hope our bond stay the way it is or grows in the years to come.
Shank, i had a very good time in your place yesterday. I'm so happy that shaf is this close to being with u for good. I'm happy for the two of u! HUGZ to the two of u!! I know we had our cold wars and awkward moments..
but i noticed you yesterday... you've become the old shank i used to no.. My vathu is back!!! I sense it is very much attributable to shaf being with you for so long. I might want to thank him. It never ended for me to start all over again with u da.. this is a moment i have been hoping for w/o saying for v long. I've had my disappointments and tough times with you.. but I'll throw all that shit away for this. Its all nothing.. I hope this is will continue for good da.. Will it be as such?

Lak, me sweet sweet gf! who has grown to be a lady from the vulnerable tough gerl. I love u much and more thanthat.. i am very proud of you. U have been there for me through my tough times da... I remember, during my fateful one year.. you are the one who always called. Almost everyday w/o fail.. even though i rarely responded. Any other would have given up. You didnt. You wont my parents over not because you are good gal.. haha! you won them over cos of your genuine concern over me. no toots is going to steal wats between us from me or you. I love u so da.. you're my bitch! always.. muakz! u n i stil have an all day out pending.. i promise to make it up to u da.. hugz!

Push is one friend i rarely meet and talk.. not even a msg.. to the extend i sometimes wonder if she's alive. Then i panic and will nvr rest till i get some form of response from her. haha! this bitch.. is my living motivation - when the going gets tough.. the tough gets going. My pride and joy! she is my defination of friendship .. I is laus this fat arse much!

If she was a guy.. i'd be madly in love with him! pushpan! haha! :p

As for my parents. They are v sweet. I don't help much with the housework and they sometimes even help me out with my chores.!!! Wha... really perks the guilt up!! This morning.. my dad was popping oreos into my milk for me after my every bite... cos i was rushing up and down to get ready for work. This other day, he was feeding me in the midst of using my laptop before going to work. oh god.. such things melt me.. but i hate myself for being so dependent on them. Its totally against my agenda!!!

It is all because i am stumbling!!! i am stumbling!! laziness engulfs me.. slave for procastination.. bad bad bad! V bad! The zest has been clouded!! Clear that fog gerl!!need more responsibility over myself... more discipline... Need to move that bum!! oh god!! i'm loosing my priorities.. i seem to give most importance to slacking upon reaching home! damn damn damn!

Ok ok.. i must change... i must must change... sch's starting.. i have to start sacrificing that sleep and slack time and move that arse!

MOVE IT !! WORK IT!!

ok i no its been some time..
Well things are not so dramatic although i had a few occasions.

I realised that guys tend to have really weird ways of getting attention from gals .
On one instance, some random indian guy ( i would say a fair tall 18 or a 19 yr old) was tilting his head looking directly at me.. like "hey there, i am looking at you" kinda look... of cos i did try to look like i was too busy looking out for the station i want to drop off at. Which was looking out of the doorway.. and slowly my mind wandered and thinking of the happy tunes i'd be playing soon.. and dreaming of being a musician someday... and... SWAM! I got sucked back into reality.. that jerk rammed his palm against the door ( which happened to be at the direction of my gaze) to get my attention!!! Like wat the hell!!

And whoever said that gals are the emo beings.
I have to totally disagree. I mean.. i've seen those fickle minded.. those hopeless romantics.. those even shedding tears for a tiff with their friends... Oh come off it! like hello!! snap out of it can? They don't speak up front and deal with things as it is. Emotions rule their conversations!! its annoying .. cos later they claim its not them.. Its rare, to see men being direct and logical at all... but i can't blame them cos the world has become so resistent towards in your face behaviours so much so that it can look moronic. My advice.. be direct and in the face cos its way much easier to handle ... but of cos with moderation, honey coats, etc. whatever u prefer... or just serve is plain and w/o make up if you can dare to handle it that is... :p

I have been into the spree of dressing up lately.. probably an effort to boost my mood for the day... Yes, and life is slowly budging forth but certain somethings and some people are holding me back.. i know i have been really off track lately. I have to set myself straight before school starts. I do not have much time at hand... oh god.. Once the sem starts, my life will be a whirl wind and i wont have the time... the time to laugh.. the time to indulge in emotions.. the time to care and share.. the time to talk things out.. the time to work things out.. the time to catch up with things.. the time let your emotions show.. the time to think about any of these..

I fear how things are gg to turn out.. i smell trouble brewing up.. can't really put my finger to it.. its could be the parents..

speaking of them.. this morning my dad was mumbling something like coming home and eating and sleeping... sounded more like he was refering to me..and when i asked him" yenna pa?" cos i couldnt really catch he was saying... he said .. "no no nothing" hm.. disturbing..

friends... i miss them loads.. i no i might be loosing a few soon..

but! life goes on...

I am at my cross roads again.. my head tells one thing and my heart says another... i no i shld be listening to my head here... but the pressure is too hard to follow the heart... and hence i relent .. and revert.. and relent.. and revert..back and forth on and on ... where the hell is this gg to bring me.. when in e time of my life.. wld this struggle end..

Dear lord, i am loosing the awareness of your presence..
I feel guilty. Cos i no that it is my doing.
I should set myself straight..
And only you can help me..
I cant pull if off on my own
Cos it hurts alot ...

vinaayagneh vinei theerpavaneh..

I'm sorry...

For yelping and snapping for no reason...
For being unreasonably rude..
For poking where it hurts most..
For sending in the wrong signals to the wrong people..
For being ignorant...
For the frenemies i give face to..
For the friends i Lash out at...
For my loved ones... who think i am totally fine..
For my loved ones.. who think I am totally off track..
For breaking my precious violin..
For being reckless about what you feel for me..
For being the bitch that i am..

I'm sorry..
I feel so ashamed...

Sorry is all i can say..
tho i no its not enough...

I felt like a walking miracle this morning..
I finally had my long awaited undisturbed slumber..

I have alot of shit running in my head...

But i dont care... my heart feels light..

I want to float..

Lemme be.

Yes i admit i am feeling very disturbed today...

In fact i have been feeling disturbed in a long time...

But today has just gone over the board...

I need my lakshmi...

I miss her..

:(

I am better off alone...

Its lonesome..

But it hurts less...

Being heartless can be a bliss

I want to be alone..

Does anyone care?

cos I dont.

She died...

She died a long time ago..

You are right...

I have changed ...

i might be becoming more like him

him whom i dont want to be..

but I no i have changed..

Which may b bad news for u..

I'm sorry...

It seems like as though i am a very difficult thing...
Should i be doing u a big favour...
Is it by tearing myself away from u?

But i am so selfish..
I can't

But if i truely care for u..
Maybe i shld take my leave..

A lifetime of sorries may nvr be enough..
That is too much guilt and benefits of doubts between us..
Is the chemistry gone?

I fear...
I fear...

i dowan to loose this...
But was it wat i thought it was for a starters...

Are struggling to make sth out of whats gone stale between us?
Or is this a new beginning?
or is there anything at all?

I 'm sorry
for the price u paid..
But its nvr enough..
The fact stands that it'll nvr be enough..
Can u and i live on like that?

I am fighting my own war here..
Noone ... and i dont expect u to
understand what this war is..
let my battle be mine...

Not many have seen me in tears..
You are one of the few..
one who has seen me for who i am..

Sometimes...
i wonder if ..
it should have been this..
where gone is gone..

I can't express what i am really to u..
Cos it'll hurt you u to see the pictures of my thoughts
Hurting u ... hurts me..

Is this meant to be?
I wish ..
I wish..

I have no idea whats all these are going mean to you

There are the assumptions, presumptions, benefit of doubts, unanswered Qs, and more

But this my realm of thoughts..

My attempt to express myself..

If it turns out wrong again...

I have no idea...

wat i can do.

i dont want to be treated like a queen.
Why don't you understand?
i just want a normal life...
sth u dont have.
sth u expect me to let go for u..
its too much...
i cant.
i wont.

I have made up my mind

I will not change it

Not for anyone

this is 4 me.

only me.

noone.

So tell me...

Where are those guys...

who dont fancy dancing and fooling ard with drinks in clubs with random people...
who drink only on happy occasions ... and even after much 2 drink... still chill and steady
who has fun in many ways... other than clubbing.. drinking.. clubbing.. and drinking..
who sees love in his own unique perspective... not the way prescribed commercially
who knows for sure what type of gal would compensate for him and for what type he can compensate for .. not just her looks her money her hot grooves her sexual appeal
who has a social life.. other than clubs and work and school..
who has a passion for a special something.. other than alcohol or sex
who has a sexual life... not just when he's drunk or to randomly please his desire for the weekend..
who lives for the decades to come... not for the day or the coming weekend..
who when dating a lady... pulls the chair out for her on their dinner date...
who has a blogful of his thoughts and ideas (or not have a blog at all in the first place)... but not pictures of his hell-break-loose weekend at clubs with other let-your-hair-down gals ...
who has friends of interests other than clubbin, drinking and drowning in love matters....
who knows money is power and with power comes responsibility...
who makes money and spends it to make more... just for the fun of it..
who wakes up every morning fresh and with confidence... more to complete wat he wants to do for the day rather than to look forward to the end of it.
who sees ladies as the women they are... and not as chicks (yes there is a difference guys... sighz!)
who knows whats worth a fight and what not... when to step up and when to step back..
who knows how to argue with respect...
who knows that he doesnt have to be right all the time... but has enough intergrity to take ownership of his own actions and decisions...
who doesnt find the need to boast how manly he is to impress a woman...
who doesnt mind his past failures... and prefers to do sth abt it rather than to dwell in it
who doesnt swim in emotions... yet is very sensitive... knows his balance and his line...
who has absolute control over himself... his emotions.. his ego... his heart.. his soul.. his conscience.. his facial expressions... his body language...
who is sincere down to his bones... yet knows when a white lie cld make the situation a better one...
who beams of confidence at heart and yet radiates a gentle nature
who is gallant cos its him ... and not out for ulterior motives.. not to selective people.. but to everybody always
who dresses in a style he is comfortable with... cos he knows his look... and what reflects his personality ... not for the crowd... and not to be "unique" either...
who holds his ego at check ... not to be dettered... yet not to be overbearing...
who knows wat is he wants out of his love life... not that love is important... but knows its the lady he chooses who is impt.
who knows how to mould his woman ... not with force... but with love..



Endangered species i wld say... but not extinct...



Falling in love is the easiest part....
trust me..





need i say more?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhwIFbB5iuo

I chanced upon this in a friend's blog.

Beautiful... A must see.

Its an advert.... my hats off to it.