i've been wanting to do so for a very very on long time... but it was not till just a while ago .. that i got to muster my courage to do it.. that was to visit.. turquoisehouse.blogspot.com

It is seems like a stranger's blog.. yet i miss it so much.. one year.. one exact year.. soo much .. too much.. i miss wat it meant to me.. i miss the purpose it served.. i miss the one significant reader.. i miss soo much.. that just allowing myself to even give it a fleeting thought.. makes me well up..

which is why i haven't been blogging much.. cos i am very aware of who are my readers... in fact too aware.. and i lost my mojo to blog.. life's dead.. dreams are trashed.. barely anything to look forward to .. other than the large and intimidating world out there...

I must give it to all the friends and also my bro and the sis in law.. and my parents.. for being there to wipe my tears away whilst holding theirs back.. and to strike the many smiles and laughters on my face... no doubt its a joy to b back to all of u... but the heartfelt pain prevails.. its simply near impossible to toss it behind me.. and function like none of wat happened in the past two years has occured.. watever the case.. the presence of all of u has made my life easier to handle... i love u guys alot sincere and from the pit of my already damages heart.. not to mention the fact that god is helping me.. i grateful for that too...

some things are better left unspoken and buried.. somethings are best left alone.. most of which i cant put in words anyway... ya.. hell ! life goes on.. and the easiest part abt it... is only saying it..

living it.. ...
....

At a pt in time .. i questioned my reason for living..

Somewhere along the way .. I knew that there was sth amiss in my life..

I nvr understood wat any1 meant when they said its ur live...

I fiegned ignorance in the name of filial peity and love..

now i question .. where is this ignorance gg to bring me?

Only in myths and legends did such people gain glory..

I don't want no glory or pride..

I just want my life..

none wld no wat it is like to be me..

except for the lord and i..

Where there was love..

there was no hope..

where there was hope..

There was no love..

I'm trashed.. crumpled..

I know you are reading this.. Don't ask me how.. i just know. I am just purely shocked and crumpled by the things you guys have predicted of me. Once again, my heart is being squeezed due to the irony of the situation i am in. Lemme tell you one thing.. from the bottom of my heart. It is way way much easier than anything else.. to pretend ignorance and walk back in like as though everything will be fine. It freaking hurts to do this!!

Freedom.. what do u know of freedom. Freedom is the ability to think for yourself.. the ability to make balanced decisions.. the ability to face the consequences of ur decisions with integrity and dignity.. all of which i had when i was with u....apparently, u had none.. so in wat position are u in to speak of freedom my friend? New found freedom at the expense of breaking my own heart ? think well... There is no freedom in feeling vulnerable and trashed.. there is no freedom beyond killing the hopes and dreams of us i've weaved within...there is no freedom in being striped of a status .. the status of being your wife. Freedom.. is freewill.. the will to love with all ur heart and fight for it.. i've lost that.. wats freedom.. wat the hell can i do with that?

U gave me chance hence i shld give u a chance? tell me.. did u really give me a chance? since u pulled the card out... lets throw it on the table to talk.. yes i made a mistake.. i admit... brought upon myself.. let lemme tell u.. i had my back log.. which i didnt settle properly.. it is natural in the environment we grew up in.. u and i no of it. Early in our union.. U didnt make it conducive for me to confidently toss it right behind me and never to turn back.. I always said it was totally my fault.. but now lemme tell u.. It was half your freaking fault! U even at a pt in time.. thought an intimate r/s will settle all awkwardness between us.. did i look like a rag doll.. or a bimbo with reaking hormones? u foolish thing! even after all that had been settled.. u still suspected me.. u broke my heart over and over again.. you called my friends up and made me look like a fool.. my heart and conscience was clear.. yours wasnt.. so tell me.. who is to suspect who? you closed your door all day.. in the com and wait till night fall for me to come home.. u no the Internet? u no that an idler's mind is a devil's workshop.. yet.. have i ever questioned you? did u notice the amount of trust i placed upon u w/o question.. the ways in which i shielded you against all possible insensitive Qs thrown to you? I dont like being a shameless creature listing all the things i did for you which u took advantage of.. One thing i can say.. any other gal of my profile and background wld have DEMANDED more out the r/s we are sharing.. but i didnt.. bcos i was sincere in trying to work things out between us.. i didnt even allow my own parents to come between us... after doing all these.. u make it sound like i am looking forward to running away from you? As it is i'm heart broken.. this so helped me! I'm dumbfounded.. so whats the meaning of all the hugs and kisses? and i love yous and i miss Us.. nth right? The world is unfair and selfish.. i agree.. that is why i ended up like that.. didnt i? why? when the world is like that? why shld i be any different? right? i mean just noone thought for me.. did u? did ur dad? did ur mom? ur relatives? did my parents? they didnt.. they trusted your dad! blindly!!! so since.. noone thought for me.. dont u think its time i stop entrusting myself upon others.. and start thinking for myself?

My parents can nvr convince me either way... cos i have ever told them.. and so has my sister in law and bro.. they will nvr no wat is feels like to b me. they respect that.. and till now its always been my wish.. i no i've mentioned this.. but i shall mention its again.. its always easy to run back to you like nth happened.. i'm not used to making such huge decisions.. i'm more used to adapting. But i have to stop being like that.. i am forced to do so.. for if i dont, i'm foolish. At this juncture.. i can guarantee u this.. my decision is not based on emotions... i've set aside the anger of u guys lying to me.. i've also set aside the part where i love u.. let's be fair.. look at it at a fresh pt of view.. like i was gg to be with you.. so wats there for me to walk in.. 1) simply the blind hope that things will be fine 2) taking ur word for it.. which requires both the emo pointers i ruled out earlier on.. hence walking in looks bleak.. walking out.. there is hope.. either way.. i am gg to suffer.. i know.. i no wat i can go thru and wat i cant.. i got a taste of wat its like to go thru wat i did wit u.. if not for e parents and the siblings i had.. if not for the fact that they'd blame themselves.. i wldnt be alive.. all cos of u. u induced me to kill myself .. one night.. u did.. and i almost succumbed to u.. surprised?so imagine my strength level a decade later.. u probably wldnt be the oni one with problems..

What more can i say to convince u all.. that here and now is not the problem at all..its the tomorrow.. the 5 yrs.. and the 10 years.. for once open ur eyes and look at it from my pt of view.. pls i beg of u to sympathize with me..

Its easy to point finger.. and say u did this u did that.. its also easy to make promises today and forget tmr.. we are both wrong and right in many ways. i have nth against u.. and i still love you.. i miss you like crazy.. But that.. is not gg to change my decision. i have kept my reasons for this decisions at check right from the start.... I am aware of the consequences of my decision.. and i strongly believe i can face the odds.. i believe one day.. i'd move on.. and soar.. if u cld find it anywer in ur heart to give in for me.. i beg of u.. pls do so.. let me go.

i sense an intruder... hence the halt !

I must say that life has been a little smoother...No significant progress though. I leave the house in the morning and return at night fall. The parents are not too happy because they think OT w/o a pay is bad. Haha! They had no idea that sometimes its OT with social life. :p oh well.. Whatever the case, the job has go in to the bin soon.

I've had time to catch up with a few friends.. some have gone missing for good. But I have a selective few that i NEED. I can bet my life on their presence when i need it. Push, Lak, Shank I can't thank u guys enough. Yes we've had our tough times... but the chemistry will nvr end.. There is hope. I love all three of u.. hugz! I hope our bond stay the way it is or grows in the years to come.
Shank, i had a very good time in your place yesterday. I'm so happy that shaf is this close to being with u for good. I'm happy for the two of u! HUGZ to the two of u!! I know we had our cold wars and awkward moments..
but i noticed you yesterday... you've become the old shank i used to no.. My vathu is back!!! I sense it is very much attributable to shaf being with you for so long. I might want to thank him. It never ended for me to start all over again with u da.. this is a moment i have been hoping for w/o saying for v long. I've had my disappointments and tough times with you.. but I'll throw all that shit away for this. Its all nothing.. I hope this is will continue for good da.. Will it be as such?

Lak, me sweet sweet gf! who has grown to be a lady from the vulnerable tough gerl. I love u much and more thanthat.. i am very proud of you. U have been there for me through my tough times da... I remember, during my fateful one year.. you are the one who always called. Almost everyday w/o fail.. even though i rarely responded. Any other would have given up. You didnt. You wont my parents over not because you are good gal.. haha! you won them over cos of your genuine concern over me. no toots is going to steal wats between us from me or you. I love u so da.. you're my bitch! always.. muakz! u n i stil have an all day out pending.. i promise to make it up to u da.. hugz!

Push is one friend i rarely meet and talk.. not even a msg.. to the extend i sometimes wonder if she's alive. Then i panic and will nvr rest till i get some form of response from her. haha! this bitch.. is my living motivation - when the going gets tough.. the tough gets going. My pride and joy! she is my defination of friendship .. I is laus this fat arse much!

If she was a guy.. i'd be madly in love with him! pushpan! haha! :p

As for my parents. They are v sweet. I don't help much with the housework and they sometimes even help me out with my chores.!!! Wha... really perks the guilt up!! This morning.. my dad was popping oreos into my milk for me after my every bite... cos i was rushing up and down to get ready for work. This other day, he was feeding me in the midst of using my laptop before going to work. oh god.. such things melt me.. but i hate myself for being so dependent on them. Its totally against my agenda!!!

It is all because i am stumbling!!! i am stumbling!! laziness engulfs me.. slave for procastination.. bad bad bad! V bad! The zest has been clouded!! Clear that fog gerl!!need more responsibility over myself... more discipline... Need to move that bum!! oh god!! i'm loosing my priorities.. i seem to give most importance to slacking upon reaching home! damn damn damn!

Ok ok.. i must change... i must must change... sch's starting.. i have to start sacrificing that sleep and slack time and move that arse!

MOVE IT !! WORK IT!!

ok i no its been some time..
Well things are not so dramatic although i had a few occasions.

I realised that guys tend to have really weird ways of getting attention from gals .
On one instance, some random indian guy ( i would say a fair tall 18 or a 19 yr old) was tilting his head looking directly at me.. like "hey there, i am looking at you" kinda look... of cos i did try to look like i was too busy looking out for the station i want to drop off at. Which was looking out of the doorway.. and slowly my mind wandered and thinking of the happy tunes i'd be playing soon.. and dreaming of being a musician someday... and... SWAM! I got sucked back into reality.. that jerk rammed his palm against the door ( which happened to be at the direction of my gaze) to get my attention!!! Like wat the hell!!

And whoever said that gals are the emo beings.
I have to totally disagree. I mean.. i've seen those fickle minded.. those hopeless romantics.. those even shedding tears for a tiff with their friends... Oh come off it! like hello!! snap out of it can? They don't speak up front and deal with things as it is. Emotions rule their conversations!! its annoying .. cos later they claim its not them.. Its rare, to see men being direct and logical at all... but i can't blame them cos the world has become so resistent towards in your face behaviours so much so that it can look moronic. My advice.. be direct and in the face cos its way much easier to handle ... but of cos with moderation, honey coats, etc. whatever u prefer... or just serve is plain and w/o make up if you can dare to handle it that is... :p

I have been into the spree of dressing up lately.. probably an effort to boost my mood for the day... Yes, and life is slowly budging forth but certain somethings and some people are holding me back.. i know i have been really off track lately. I have to set myself straight before school starts. I do not have much time at hand... oh god.. Once the sem starts, my life will be a whirl wind and i wont have the time... the time to laugh.. the time to indulge in emotions.. the time to care and share.. the time to talk things out.. the time to work things out.. the time to catch up with things.. the time let your emotions show.. the time to think about any of these..

I fear how things are gg to turn out.. i smell trouble brewing up.. can't really put my finger to it.. its could be the parents..

speaking of them.. this morning my dad was mumbling something like coming home and eating and sleeping... sounded more like he was refering to me..and when i asked him" yenna pa?" cos i couldnt really catch he was saying... he said .. "no no nothing" hm.. disturbing..

friends... i miss them loads.. i no i might be loosing a few soon..

but! life goes on...

I am at my cross roads again.. my head tells one thing and my heart says another... i no i shld be listening to my head here... but the pressure is too hard to follow the heart... and hence i relent .. and revert.. and relent.. and revert..back and forth on and on ... where the hell is this gg to bring me.. when in e time of my life.. wld this struggle end..

Dear lord, i am loosing the awareness of your presence..
I feel guilty. Cos i no that it is my doing.
I should set myself straight..
And only you can help me..
I cant pull if off on my own
Cos it hurts alot ...

vinaayagneh vinei theerpavaneh..

I'm sorry...

For yelping and snapping for no reason...
For being unreasonably rude..
For poking where it hurts most..
For sending in the wrong signals to the wrong people..
For being ignorant...
For the frenemies i give face to..
For the friends i Lash out at...
For my loved ones... who think i am totally fine..
For my loved ones.. who think I am totally off track..
For breaking my precious violin..
For being reckless about what you feel for me..
For being the bitch that i am..

I'm sorry..
I feel so ashamed...

Sorry is all i can say..
tho i no its not enough...