I'm trashed.. crumpled..

I know you are reading this.. Don't ask me how.. i just know. I am just purely shocked and crumpled by the things you guys have predicted of me. Once again, my heart is being squeezed due to the irony of the situation i am in. Lemme tell you one thing.. from the bottom of my heart. It is way way much easier than anything else.. to pretend ignorance and walk back in like as though everything will be fine. It freaking hurts to do this!!

Freedom.. what do u know of freedom. Freedom is the ability to think for yourself.. the ability to make balanced decisions.. the ability to face the consequences of ur decisions with integrity and dignity.. all of which i had when i was with u....apparently, u had none.. so in wat position are u in to speak of freedom my friend? New found freedom at the expense of breaking my own heart ? think well... There is no freedom in feeling vulnerable and trashed.. there is no freedom beyond killing the hopes and dreams of us i've weaved within...there is no freedom in being striped of a status .. the status of being your wife. Freedom.. is freewill.. the will to love with all ur heart and fight for it.. i've lost that.. wats freedom.. wat the hell can i do with that?

U gave me chance hence i shld give u a chance? tell me.. did u really give me a chance? since u pulled the card out... lets throw it on the table to talk.. yes i made a mistake.. i admit... brought upon myself.. let lemme tell u.. i had my back log.. which i didnt settle properly.. it is natural in the environment we grew up in.. u and i no of it. Early in our union.. U didnt make it conducive for me to confidently toss it right behind me and never to turn back.. I always said it was totally my fault.. but now lemme tell u.. It was half your freaking fault! U even at a pt in time.. thought an intimate r/s will settle all awkwardness between us.. did i look like a rag doll.. or a bimbo with reaking hormones? u foolish thing! even after all that had been settled.. u still suspected me.. u broke my heart over and over again.. you called my friends up and made me look like a fool.. my heart and conscience was clear.. yours wasnt.. so tell me.. who is to suspect who? you closed your door all day.. in the com and wait till night fall for me to come home.. u no the Internet? u no that an idler's mind is a devil's workshop.. yet.. have i ever questioned you? did u notice the amount of trust i placed upon u w/o question.. the ways in which i shielded you against all possible insensitive Qs thrown to you? I dont like being a shameless creature listing all the things i did for you which u took advantage of.. One thing i can say.. any other gal of my profile and background wld have DEMANDED more out the r/s we are sharing.. but i didnt.. bcos i was sincere in trying to work things out between us.. i didnt even allow my own parents to come between us... after doing all these.. u make it sound like i am looking forward to running away from you? As it is i'm heart broken.. this so helped me! I'm dumbfounded.. so whats the meaning of all the hugs and kisses? and i love yous and i miss Us.. nth right? The world is unfair and selfish.. i agree.. that is why i ended up like that.. didnt i? why? when the world is like that? why shld i be any different? right? i mean just noone thought for me.. did u? did ur dad? did ur mom? ur relatives? did my parents? they didnt.. they trusted your dad! blindly!!! so since.. noone thought for me.. dont u think its time i stop entrusting myself upon others.. and start thinking for myself?

My parents can nvr convince me either way... cos i have ever told them.. and so has my sister in law and bro.. they will nvr no wat is feels like to b me. they respect that.. and till now its always been my wish.. i no i've mentioned this.. but i shall mention its again.. its always easy to run back to you like nth happened.. i'm not used to making such huge decisions.. i'm more used to adapting. But i have to stop being like that.. i am forced to do so.. for if i dont, i'm foolish. At this juncture.. i can guarantee u this.. my decision is not based on emotions... i've set aside the anger of u guys lying to me.. i've also set aside the part where i love u.. let's be fair.. look at it at a fresh pt of view.. like i was gg to be with you.. so wats there for me to walk in.. 1) simply the blind hope that things will be fine 2) taking ur word for it.. which requires both the emo pointers i ruled out earlier on.. hence walking in looks bleak.. walking out.. there is hope.. either way.. i am gg to suffer.. i know.. i no wat i can go thru and wat i cant.. i got a taste of wat its like to go thru wat i did wit u.. if not for e parents and the siblings i had.. if not for the fact that they'd blame themselves.. i wldnt be alive.. all cos of u. u induced me to kill myself .. one night.. u did.. and i almost succumbed to u.. surprised?so imagine my strength level a decade later.. u probably wldnt be the oni one with problems..

What more can i say to convince u all.. that here and now is not the problem at all..its the tomorrow.. the 5 yrs.. and the 10 years.. for once open ur eyes and look at it from my pt of view.. pls i beg of u to sympathize with me..

Its easy to point finger.. and say u did this u did that.. its also easy to make promises today and forget tmr.. we are both wrong and right in many ways. i have nth against u.. and i still love you.. i miss you like crazy.. But that.. is not gg to change my decision. i have kept my reasons for this decisions at check right from the start.... I am aware of the consequences of my decision.. and i strongly believe i can face the odds.. i believe one day.. i'd move on.. and soar.. if u cld find it anywer in ur heart to give in for me.. i beg of u.. pls do so.. let me go.

I must say that life has been a little smoother...No significant progress though. I leave the house in the morning and return at night fall. The parents are not too happy because they think OT w/o a pay is bad. Haha! They had no idea that sometimes its OT with social life. :p oh well.. Whatever the case, the job has go in to the bin soon.

I've had time to catch up with a few friends.. some have gone missing for good. But I have a selective few that i NEED. I can bet my life on their presence when i need it. Push, Lak, Shank I can't thank u guys enough. Yes we've had our tough times... but the chemistry will nvr end.. There is hope. I love all three of u.. hugz! I hope our bond stay the way it is or grows in the years to come.
Shank, i had a very good time in your place yesterday. I'm so happy that shaf is this close to being with u for good. I'm happy for the two of u! HUGZ to the two of u!! I know we had our cold wars and awkward moments..
but i noticed you yesterday... you've become the old shank i used to no.. My vathu is back!!! I sense it is very much attributable to shaf being with you for so long. I might want to thank him. It never ended for me to start all over again with u da.. this is a moment i have been hoping for w/o saying for v long. I've had my disappointments and tough times with you.. but I'll throw all that shit away for this. Its all nothing.. I hope this is will continue for good da.. Will it be as such?

Lak, me sweet sweet gf! who has grown to be a lady from the vulnerable tough gerl. I love u much and more thanthat.. i am very proud of you. U have been there for me through my tough times da... I remember, during my fateful one year.. you are the one who always called. Almost everyday w/o fail.. even though i rarely responded. Any other would have given up. You didnt. You wont my parents over not because you are good gal.. haha! you won them over cos of your genuine concern over me. no toots is going to steal wats between us from me or you. I love u so da.. you're my bitch! always.. muakz! u n i stil have an all day out pending.. i promise to make it up to u da.. hugz!

Push is one friend i rarely meet and talk.. not even a msg.. to the extend i sometimes wonder if she's alive. Then i panic and will nvr rest till i get some form of response from her. haha! this bitch.. is my living motivation - when the going gets tough.. the tough gets going. My pride and joy! she is my defination of friendship .. I is laus this fat arse much!

If she was a guy.. i'd be madly in love with him! pushpan! haha! :p

As for my parents. They are v sweet. I don't help much with the housework and they sometimes even help me out with my chores.!!! Wha... really perks the guilt up!! This morning.. my dad was popping oreos into my milk for me after my every bite... cos i was rushing up and down to get ready for work. This other day, he was feeding me in the midst of using my laptop before going to work. oh god.. such things melt me.. but i hate myself for being so dependent on them. Its totally against my agenda!!!

It is all because i am stumbling!!! i am stumbling!! laziness engulfs me.. slave for procastination.. bad bad bad! V bad! The zest has been clouded!! Clear that fog gerl!!need more responsibility over myself... more discipline... Need to move that bum!! oh god!! i'm loosing my priorities.. i seem to give most importance to slacking upon reaching home! damn damn damn!

Ok ok.. i must change... i must must change... sch's starting.. i have to start sacrificing that sleep and slack time and move that arse!

MOVE IT !! WORK IT!!

Ok its 9am and i am at work.

I open my mail box and the first thing i see is an e-mail sent by my client co. boss.

Prologue:
At work, i handle the employee travel and entertainment expenses. I check if they are well within the company's internal controls and do the necessary according to each situation. For the past month, ever since my Client co. has declared IPO, they have been proposing some changes in the policy. There was a series of forwarded mails and replies going on for a month. So, finally it is at works now. And this is wat my client boss had to say

"the storm is coming.... Be prepared." ->ironically this was sent at 10.48pm last night.
goes to show what were his sentiments when he sent the mail isn't it?


Now for my personal life:

I think its only fair of me to update you guys after all that nonsense in turquoisehouse.

I have only 1 thing to say as of my current status in life

I am staying with my parents. For Good.


- Go figure


Ya. End of update. Mean? yes?


Yes yes. Sad it is but dont call me and ask to explain. I'm tired of explaining myself to anyone anymore. Over is over. Yes. Its fucken sickly shit. But hack it! I've had enough. I tried my best and there is no point in laying hopes on a sinking ship. No regrets though. My conscience is clear. I've done my stupid fair share of being a dumb ass filial thing without my own brain and heart. Yes! i have officially quit living for others!

It's

time

i

live

for

myself

Call me pessimist and i dont give a freak shit. Really, I can only thank god for the fire he has lit in me . The fire to excel. The fire to fly without any strings attached. A new chance. A brand new life. The one i begged for every night through my tears as i looked into the sky once before. I shall take this on as god given and move on. Yes move on i will. But i am not going to trust anyone the same anymore. I have passed the phase of smiling through my tears, making do beyond what i can afford, giving in for no reason and being duty bound for emotional attachments. I am not going to allow anyone to throw me off my tracks anymore. I will live the life.. i have always dreamed of. Now that it is entirely in my hands. As vast and scary as it seems..I do not want to waste it. I am young. I just need to be careful and sure of myself. I laid my fragile life upon what i thought were trusty hands without question and they almost crushed it beyond recognition. Once again, my gratitude for the lord.. he slapped me back to reality and gave me a chance to seized it before that.

Enough is enough. Its time i tie up those knots, break the barriers and fight it.

Ok i sound like some defiant juvenile... yuck!

On a random note: I have been craving for junkies a tad too much for my own good lately. I should stop... BUT I CANT!!!! ZzzzZZz... hopeless la u shanti... hopeless thing... CMI.. CMIAA


Someone shoot me please. A significant someone i know/used to know almost always has a revolver at hand. But i no he wldnt do it.. bhaz!

I officially declare that i am an underpaid employee...

Care to rescue anyone?!

I am worth more than that!!!!!!! walloweii...


advice to accts grads...

when an interviewer asks if you can do "full-set"
bloody hell say yes la!!! we paid our sch fee in full rite?.. and we graduated from our cos in full right?!
So why on earth wouldnt we know full set accounts?!!!!!
So dont be a fool... and understate your worth ppl!!.
We are taught to do full set accounts la ... our projects and all is full set!
AR/AP/ GL we no everything... take it on!

Selective people know selective things

Poor shanti.. she has been having her freedom at the worst times of her life...

There are loads of things i have been up to lately. There is no one person who knows my whole storey. Not so proud of it. Hell, I don't care. I'm not creating havoc here. I still have my limits. I know i am not making any sense at all. I think i am just trying to put into words what my thoughts are. Basically, it is scattered. I think I can figure the stock market out more than i can do so myself. I'm tired. I feel like looser for no reason. I know the state i am in and that there is no reason for me to feel as down as i am. But i do feel down! what can i do? Just go through it loh! I'm a lost sheep here. Noone can help me except for... me!

My friend "B" has been going through tough times lately. I totally understand how she feels. I cannot advice her much. Being there for her is about all that I can do for now. In my opinion, I think she has been rather rushy about things. She should slow down for her own sake. I told her that already. I can only hope she sticks to it. If she doesnt... I'd probably just kick her arse and then still be there for her.

I have been told never to babysit my friends. Acutally i agree with that. Your friends are individual by themselves. You may know them inside out but you will never know what it is like to "BE" them. I hope i made sense there. So, my believe is that your friend has to make her own decisions and live her own life and solve her own problems. As a friend, i owe her that much privacy. So the question is where do i stand as her friend? See.. she has me.. who knows the whole storey. I tell her my opinions.. I show her my piece of the view.. I tell her from my personal experience. Hence, I have an influence over her but the decision is hers to take. It is my down time too and she knows it. We hear each others' sad sad stories but we dont really need to comfort each other. Just the presence in it self is suffice. We really don't feel a great ounce better actually but its just a comfort.

I do feel lonely still... but i do want to be left alone.
I feel strong and independent ... but i've been actually crying myself to sleep for reasons contrary to that. Crazy gal you are shanti.. but thats just the way she is i guess.

I really want time out from all these... Yes, i do have a plan or two. When i was looking at my face in the mirror and brushing my teeth this morning ... i was thinking "haiz! only god knows how it is going to turn out.. wait wait wait... STOP! Shanti just realised sth then.. how it is all going to turn out is in MY hands... I am no more the little gal all so dependent on daddy's and mommy's permissio before i do anything.. I should go! i must go.. i have to! for my own freaking sake! " Ya.. one fruitful brushing that was.. but on a serious note.. i still am getting used to the way my life is now. This is a totally different phase of my life. It's vastness baffles me to a great extent. All i know for now is .. I need to seize it. The golden Q is.. yeppadi? how?!

But it is too early.. I cannot take off now.. I have to be patient.. consistent..calm ... steady ... work things out in a swift and clean manner.. all these is alot to ask out of me... considering the person i am.. and the situation i am in is not making it any easier...

If all turns out well.. then the ideal plan will execute.. One year... One year.. just one year.. I hope it flies.. all cos i work it out the way i wanted it.. And then.. and then ...

I dont want to dream of it too much... haha!

P.S. keerthu.. u better not kavukz me! Or i'll wring your neck! :p