Selective people know selective things

Poor shanti.. she has been having her freedom at the worst times of her life...

There are loads of things i have been up to lately. There is no one person who knows my whole storey. Not so proud of it. Hell, I don't care. I'm not creating havoc here. I still have my limits. I know i am not making any sense at all. I think i am just trying to put into words what my thoughts are. Basically, it is scattered. I think I can figure the stock market out more than i can do so myself. I'm tired. I feel like looser for no reason. I know the state i am in and that there is no reason for me to feel as down as i am. But i do feel down! what can i do? Just go through it loh! I'm a lost sheep here. Noone can help me except for... me!

My friend "B" has been going through tough times lately. I totally understand how she feels. I cannot advice her much. Being there for her is about all that I can do for now. In my opinion, I think she has been rather rushy about things. She should slow down for her own sake. I told her that already. I can only hope she sticks to it. If she doesnt... I'd probably just kick her arse and then still be there for her.

I have been told never to babysit my friends. Acutally i agree with that. Your friends are individual by themselves. You may know them inside out but you will never know what it is like to "BE" them. I hope i made sense there. So, my believe is that your friend has to make her own decisions and live her own life and solve her own problems. As a friend, i owe her that much privacy. So the question is where do i stand as her friend? See.. she has me.. who knows the whole storey. I tell her my opinions.. I show her my piece of the view.. I tell her from my personal experience. Hence, I have an influence over her but the decision is hers to take. It is my down time too and she knows it. We hear each others' sad sad stories but we dont really need to comfort each other. Just the presence in it self is suffice. We really don't feel a great ounce better actually but its just a comfort.

I do feel lonely still... but i do want to be left alone.
I feel strong and independent ... but i've been actually crying myself to sleep for reasons contrary to that. Crazy gal you are shanti.. but thats just the way she is i guess.

I really want time out from all these... Yes, i do have a plan or two. When i was looking at my face in the mirror and brushing my teeth this morning ... i was thinking "haiz! only god knows how it is going to turn out.. wait wait wait... STOP! Shanti just realised sth then.. how it is all going to turn out is in MY hands... I am no more the little gal all so dependent on daddy's and mommy's permissio before i do anything.. I should go! i must go.. i have to! for my own freaking sake! " Ya.. one fruitful brushing that was.. but on a serious note.. i still am getting used to the way my life is now. This is a totally different phase of my life. It's vastness baffles me to a great extent. All i know for now is .. I need to seize it. The golden Q is.. yeppadi? how?!

But it is too early.. I cannot take off now.. I have to be patient.. consistent..calm ... steady ... work things out in a swift and clean manner.. all these is alot to ask out of me... considering the person i am.. and the situation i am in is not making it any easier...

If all turns out well.. then the ideal plan will execute.. One year... One year.. just one year.. I hope it flies.. all cos i work it out the way i wanted it.. And then.. and then ...

I dont want to dream of it too much... haha!

P.S. keerthu.. u better not kavukz me! Or i'll wring your neck! :p