the end is nearing... but the intensity of the pain grows.. will it ever stop?

felt like yesterday when it all happened.. and its been 6 months..
I have no say or no need to question why it all happened..
I don't want to know either..

My heart is stoning.. i can feel it... it just randomly made the owner shed tears yesterday.. i had a gut feeling that .. that was my last... more like a preperation for the many more disappointments and heartaches and tough times ahead... i know its gg to be a rough ride... how rough i don't know.. but rough enough to possibly break me... i know ..

I don't feel as strong as i felt i was a while back.. It all drained.. its tough.. cos no matter what, i no i am on my own...family and friends saying that they will b there for me doesnt seem convincing or look like something i can count on.. ultimately.. its my decision.. whatever actions and consequences henceforth is for me to decide or tolerate...

Some things are simply not in my hands...

like how lonely i feel... with that empty space.. which i know can nvr be filled in again...

like how much anyone cld sympathize and console.. yet i can nvr feel any better...

like how much i need to be alone .. when i feel down.. and anyone who doesnt gets the brant of it

like how i barely have any tolerence for anyone who tries achieve what they want at the expense of my life/heart/thoughts/feelings etc...

like how i can see all of you are selfish ... but i dont mind.. cos i no its natural.. just dont make me a part of it..

like how i wish i can convince u that i've had enough in my life.. and just to leave me alone..

like how i feel like a stranger in my family sometimes...

like how i cant laugh from my heart like i used to...

like how i can cry so much and in the end feel the same old dull pain...

like how i am human... and i can er..

like how i actually have a heart a mind and a conscience.. and i can actually feel as crumpled and limp as i feel now..

like how so much has changed.. and i had nth to do with it.. yet it's all abt me

like how i am helpless abt it..

like how my life turned out lately.

There is only one ...
who's my salvage..
That is the lord himself..
Trust me, he nvr failed me..
Noone can touch me with him by my side..

Try and F with my life.. he'll F yours urs up... period.
don't say i didnt warn ya..


P.S. i'm never going back to u... cos i know you do not have my best interests at heart.. i have no fear.. cos my conscience is clear..

This is long due... but i had to.. haha!

Well.. v day was last week.. and it one day u see the gals at their best looking sweet and anxious and the boys... actually bothering to hold the bouquets and the teddy bears and wait in the public... lolz! cos they jolly well no their are not alone ...

It is also this day... wer the gal friends meet up.. most of the times..in gdwill of filling in the empty space of not having a date for the day.. or thats how it started..

SO.. keerthu .. vaani who was excited abt the "threesome" .. and i.. decided to meet..
aft much plans and changes.. we met at bouna vista mrt.. while waiting for them.. it was interesting to see the sights and sounds unquie to the nature of that special day.. haha!

The gal dressed so sweet... dolled up..kept looking at her watch.. and received phone calls every now and then... probably apologies from the BF that he was late... haha

This angmo boy... carrying a small bouquet.. and was obviously not comfy holding it while waiting for his date... he tried but in vain to hide it.. lolz! cute!

The many other couples clinging to each other like as though their significant other wld run away at the sight of another eligible single..

And the many GFs holdind their beautiful bouquets in one hand.. the holding their BF's hand in the other.. beaming with pride.. "seee! he buy for me one!"

And the gal friends ... exchanging gifts .. the genuine joy.. with no sense of reservation.. yes i no how it feels :D

yap! so we met and walked over to holland V and had out "Kotthu Ice Cream" at Creamery..

And then we walked around abit.. visited a pet shop or two.. lolz just for the fun of it.. and keerthu bought sth for herself there... woops... i meant.. sth for her BF's doggy.. ehehe...

Then vaani and i decided we need sth spicy.. so we went to a nearby hawker stall.. and got ourselves Kway TEow.. with extra chillie.. god! it was hot!and vaani was so cool abt it.. i guess i lost my endurance.. haha!

and we had a loomantic walk back to the mrt...

see here comes the highlight...

Keerthu was speaking of food generally... so she was trying to recommend this French restaurent..

K: ya! its really nice you guys should really go there... its a French Restaurent actually..
V: oh.. wat kind of food do they serve there?
K: -_- er... french food vaani..

LOL!

Dear mom and dad..

If only u knew wat this meant..

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you,yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.


- Khalil Gibran

So much cld have been...

haiz...

if only the dead could see all the tributes to them..
If only you knew that they could see all those..
If only you knew just before their line is cut..
If only .. you cld say it.. and they cld hear it..
If only they were there .. smiling down at you..
the way they always did...
making the lovely sounds.. using words that u r too used to hearing..
If only those sounds were not just echos..
If only ...
If only..
If only..

There are some ppl we miss and we just cannot say it.. simply cos its not going to change a thing..

i know who i miss.. and i no his presence will nvr leave me.
w/o you we've tumbled and crashed in many ways.
yet we survive in the bits and pieces that we are.. cos of u..
You'll always be our gardian angel.. the pillar of us.. our strength

i've been wanting to do so for a very very on long time... but it was not till just a while ago .. that i got to muster my courage to do it.. that was to visit.. turquoisehouse.blogspot.com

It is seems like a stranger's blog.. yet i miss it so much.. one year.. one exact year.. soo much .. too much.. i miss wat it meant to me.. i miss the purpose it served.. i miss the one significant reader.. i miss soo much.. that just allowing myself to even give it a fleeting thought.. makes me well up..

which is why i haven't been blogging much.. cos i am very aware of who are my readers... in fact too aware.. and i lost my mojo to blog.. life's dead.. dreams are trashed.. barely anything to look forward to .. other than the large and intimidating world out there...

I must give it to all the friends and also my bro and the sis in law.. and my parents.. for being there to wipe my tears away whilst holding theirs back.. and to strike the many smiles and laughters on my face... no doubt its a joy to b back to all of u... but the heartfelt pain prevails.. its simply near impossible to toss it behind me.. and function like none of wat happened in the past two years has occured.. watever the case.. the presence of all of u has made my life easier to handle... i love u guys alot sincere and from the pit of my already damages heart.. not to mention the fact that god is helping me.. i grateful for that too...

some things are better left unspoken and buried.. somethings are best left alone.. most of which i cant put in words anyway... ya.. hell ! life goes on.. and the easiest part abt it... is only saying it..

living it.. ...
....

At a pt in time .. i questioned my reason for living..

Somewhere along the way .. I knew that there was sth amiss in my life..

I nvr understood wat any1 meant when they said its ur live...

I fiegned ignorance in the name of filial peity and love..

now i question .. where is this ignorance gg to bring me?

Only in myths and legends did such people gain glory..

I don't want no glory or pride..

I just want my life..

none wld no wat it is like to be me..

except for the lord and i..

Where there was love..

there was no hope..

where there was hope..

There was no love..

I'm trashed.. crumpled..

I know you are reading this.. Don't ask me how.. i just know. I am just purely shocked and crumpled by the things you guys have predicted of me. Once again, my heart is being squeezed due to the irony of the situation i am in. Lemme tell you one thing.. from the bottom of my heart. It is way way much easier than anything else.. to pretend ignorance and walk back in like as though everything will be fine. It freaking hurts to do this!!

Freedom.. what do u know of freedom. Freedom is the ability to think for yourself.. the ability to make balanced decisions.. the ability to face the consequences of ur decisions with integrity and dignity.. all of which i had when i was with u....apparently, u had none.. so in wat position are u in to speak of freedom my friend? New found freedom at the expense of breaking my own heart ? think well... There is no freedom in feeling vulnerable and trashed.. there is no freedom beyond killing the hopes and dreams of us i've weaved within...there is no freedom in being striped of a status .. the status of being your wife. Freedom.. is freewill.. the will to love with all ur heart and fight for it.. i've lost that.. wats freedom.. wat the hell can i do with that?

U gave me chance hence i shld give u a chance? tell me.. did u really give me a chance? since u pulled the card out... lets throw it on the table to talk.. yes i made a mistake.. i admit... brought upon myself.. let lemme tell u.. i had my back log.. which i didnt settle properly.. it is natural in the environment we grew up in.. u and i no of it. Early in our union.. U didnt make it conducive for me to confidently toss it right behind me and never to turn back.. I always said it was totally my fault.. but now lemme tell u.. It was half your freaking fault! U even at a pt in time.. thought an intimate r/s will settle all awkwardness between us.. did i look like a rag doll.. or a bimbo with reaking hormones? u foolish thing! even after all that had been settled.. u still suspected me.. u broke my heart over and over again.. you called my friends up and made me look like a fool.. my heart and conscience was clear.. yours wasnt.. so tell me.. who is to suspect who? you closed your door all day.. in the com and wait till night fall for me to come home.. u no the Internet? u no that an idler's mind is a devil's workshop.. yet.. have i ever questioned you? did u notice the amount of trust i placed upon u w/o question.. the ways in which i shielded you against all possible insensitive Qs thrown to you? I dont like being a shameless creature listing all the things i did for you which u took advantage of.. One thing i can say.. any other gal of my profile and background wld have DEMANDED more out the r/s we are sharing.. but i didnt.. bcos i was sincere in trying to work things out between us.. i didnt even allow my own parents to come between us... after doing all these.. u make it sound like i am looking forward to running away from you? As it is i'm heart broken.. this so helped me! I'm dumbfounded.. so whats the meaning of all the hugs and kisses? and i love yous and i miss Us.. nth right? The world is unfair and selfish.. i agree.. that is why i ended up like that.. didnt i? why? when the world is like that? why shld i be any different? right? i mean just noone thought for me.. did u? did ur dad? did ur mom? ur relatives? did my parents? they didnt.. they trusted your dad! blindly!!! so since.. noone thought for me.. dont u think its time i stop entrusting myself upon others.. and start thinking for myself?

My parents can nvr convince me either way... cos i have ever told them.. and so has my sister in law and bro.. they will nvr no wat is feels like to b me. they respect that.. and till now its always been my wish.. i no i've mentioned this.. but i shall mention its again.. its always easy to run back to you like nth happened.. i'm not used to making such huge decisions.. i'm more used to adapting. But i have to stop being like that.. i am forced to do so.. for if i dont, i'm foolish. At this juncture.. i can guarantee u this.. my decision is not based on emotions... i've set aside the anger of u guys lying to me.. i've also set aside the part where i love u.. let's be fair.. look at it at a fresh pt of view.. like i was gg to be with you.. so wats there for me to walk in.. 1) simply the blind hope that things will be fine 2) taking ur word for it.. which requires both the emo pointers i ruled out earlier on.. hence walking in looks bleak.. walking out.. there is hope.. either way.. i am gg to suffer.. i know.. i no wat i can go thru and wat i cant.. i got a taste of wat its like to go thru wat i did wit u.. if not for e parents and the siblings i had.. if not for the fact that they'd blame themselves.. i wldnt be alive.. all cos of u. u induced me to kill myself .. one night.. u did.. and i almost succumbed to u.. surprised?so imagine my strength level a decade later.. u probably wldnt be the oni one with problems..

What more can i say to convince u all.. that here and now is not the problem at all..its the tomorrow.. the 5 yrs.. and the 10 years.. for once open ur eyes and look at it from my pt of view.. pls i beg of u to sympathize with me..

Its easy to point finger.. and say u did this u did that.. its also easy to make promises today and forget tmr.. we are both wrong and right in many ways. i have nth against u.. and i still love you.. i miss you like crazy.. But that.. is not gg to change my decision. i have kept my reasons for this decisions at check right from the start.... I am aware of the consequences of my decision.. and i strongly believe i can face the odds.. i believe one day.. i'd move on.. and soar.. if u cld find it anywer in ur heart to give in for me.. i beg of u.. pls do so.. let me go.