i sense an intruder... hence the halt !

I must say that life has been a little smoother...No significant progress though. I leave the house in the morning and return at night fall. The parents are not too happy because they think OT w/o a pay is bad. Haha! They had no idea that sometimes its OT with social life. :p oh well.. Whatever the case, the job has go in to the bin soon.

I've had time to catch up with a few friends.. some have gone missing for good. But I have a selective few that i NEED. I can bet my life on their presence when i need it. Push, Lak, Shank I can't thank u guys enough. Yes we've had our tough times... but the chemistry will nvr end.. There is hope. I love all three of u.. hugz! I hope our bond stay the way it is or grows in the years to come.
Shank, i had a very good time in your place yesterday. I'm so happy that shaf is this close to being with u for good. I'm happy for the two of u! HUGZ to the two of u!! I know we had our cold wars and awkward moments..
but i noticed you yesterday... you've become the old shank i used to no.. My vathu is back!!! I sense it is very much attributable to shaf being with you for so long. I might want to thank him. It never ended for me to start all over again with u da.. this is a moment i have been hoping for w/o saying for v long. I've had my disappointments and tough times with you.. but I'll throw all that shit away for this. Its all nothing.. I hope this is will continue for good da.. Will it be as such?

Lak, me sweet sweet gf! who has grown to be a lady from the vulnerable tough gerl. I love u much and more thanthat.. i am very proud of you. U have been there for me through my tough times da... I remember, during my fateful one year.. you are the one who always called. Almost everyday w/o fail.. even though i rarely responded. Any other would have given up. You didnt. You wont my parents over not because you are good gal.. haha! you won them over cos of your genuine concern over me. no toots is going to steal wats between us from me or you. I love u so da.. you're my bitch! always.. muakz! u n i stil have an all day out pending.. i promise to make it up to u da.. hugz!

Push is one friend i rarely meet and talk.. not even a msg.. to the extend i sometimes wonder if she's alive. Then i panic and will nvr rest till i get some form of response from her. haha! this bitch.. is my living motivation - when the going gets tough.. the tough gets going. My pride and joy! she is my defination of friendship .. I is laus this fat arse much!

If she was a guy.. i'd be madly in love with him! pushpan! haha! :p

As for my parents. They are v sweet. I don't help much with the housework and they sometimes even help me out with my chores.!!! Wha... really perks the guilt up!! This morning.. my dad was popping oreos into my milk for me after my every bite... cos i was rushing up and down to get ready for work. This other day, he was feeding me in the midst of using my laptop before going to work. oh god.. such things melt me.. but i hate myself for being so dependent on them. Its totally against my agenda!!!

It is all because i am stumbling!!! i am stumbling!! laziness engulfs me.. slave for procastination.. bad bad bad! V bad! The zest has been clouded!! Clear that fog gerl!!need more responsibility over myself... more discipline... Need to move that bum!! oh god!! i'm loosing my priorities.. i seem to give most importance to slacking upon reaching home! damn damn damn!

Ok ok.. i must change... i must must change... sch's starting.. i have to start sacrificing that sleep and slack time and move that arse!

MOVE IT !! WORK IT!!

ok i no its been some time..
Well things are not so dramatic although i had a few occasions.

I realised that guys tend to have really weird ways of getting attention from gals .
On one instance, some random indian guy ( i would say a fair tall 18 or a 19 yr old) was tilting his head looking directly at me.. like "hey there, i am looking at you" kinda look... of cos i did try to look like i was too busy looking out for the station i want to drop off at. Which was looking out of the doorway.. and slowly my mind wandered and thinking of the happy tunes i'd be playing soon.. and dreaming of being a musician someday... and... SWAM! I got sucked back into reality.. that jerk rammed his palm against the door ( which happened to be at the direction of my gaze) to get my attention!!! Like wat the hell!!

And whoever said that gals are the emo beings.
I have to totally disagree. I mean.. i've seen those fickle minded.. those hopeless romantics.. those even shedding tears for a tiff with their friends... Oh come off it! like hello!! snap out of it can? They don't speak up front and deal with things as it is. Emotions rule their conversations!! its annoying .. cos later they claim its not them.. Its rare, to see men being direct and logical at all... but i can't blame them cos the world has become so resistent towards in your face behaviours so much so that it can look moronic. My advice.. be direct and in the face cos its way much easier to handle ... but of cos with moderation, honey coats, etc. whatever u prefer... or just serve is plain and w/o make up if you can dare to handle it that is... :p

I have been into the spree of dressing up lately.. probably an effort to boost my mood for the day... Yes, and life is slowly budging forth but certain somethings and some people are holding me back.. i know i have been really off track lately. I have to set myself straight before school starts. I do not have much time at hand... oh god.. Once the sem starts, my life will be a whirl wind and i wont have the time... the time to laugh.. the time to indulge in emotions.. the time to care and share.. the time to talk things out.. the time to work things out.. the time to catch up with things.. the time let your emotions show.. the time to think about any of these..

I fear how things are gg to turn out.. i smell trouble brewing up.. can't really put my finger to it.. its could be the parents..

speaking of them.. this morning my dad was mumbling something like coming home and eating and sleeping... sounded more like he was refering to me..and when i asked him" yenna pa?" cos i couldnt really catch he was saying... he said .. "no no nothing" hm.. disturbing..

friends... i miss them loads.. i no i might be loosing a few soon..

but! life goes on...

I am at my cross roads again.. my head tells one thing and my heart says another... i no i shld be listening to my head here... but the pressure is too hard to follow the heart... and hence i relent .. and revert.. and relent.. and revert..back and forth on and on ... where the hell is this gg to bring me.. when in e time of my life.. wld this struggle end..

Dear lord, i am loosing the awareness of your presence..
I feel guilty. Cos i no that it is my doing.
I should set myself straight..
And only you can help me..
I cant pull if off on my own
Cos it hurts alot ...

vinaayagneh vinei theerpavaneh..

I'm sorry...

For yelping and snapping for no reason...
For being unreasonably rude..
For poking where it hurts most..
For sending in the wrong signals to the wrong people..
For being ignorant...
For the frenemies i give face to..
For the friends i Lash out at...
For my loved ones... who think i am totally fine..
For my loved ones.. who think I am totally off track..
For breaking my precious violin..
For being reckless about what you feel for me..
For being the bitch that i am..

I'm sorry..
I feel so ashamed...

Sorry is all i can say..
tho i no its not enough...

I felt like a walking miracle this morning..
I finally had my long awaited undisturbed slumber..

I have alot of shit running in my head...

But i dont care... my heart feels light..

I want to float..

Lemme be.

Yes i admit i am feeling very disturbed today...

In fact i have been feeling disturbed in a long time...

But today has just gone over the board...

I need my lakshmi...

I miss her..

:(

I am better off alone...

Its lonesome..

But it hurts less...

Being heartless can be a bliss

I want to be alone..

Does anyone care?

cos I dont.

She died...

She died a long time ago..

You are right...

I have changed ...

i might be becoming more like him

him whom i dont want to be..

but I no i have changed..

Which may b bad news for u..

I'm sorry...