That dull pain...

Makes me wana scream my heart out!!!

"Someone once told me, to get out of bad situtation, the key is to give it everything you've got to make it work. And if it still doesn't, get out and never look back. "

This.. i got it from someone else's blog..

Its easy for a third person to look at me and say.. my god u are strong..
All i can say is... i am as weak as the pain i feel every day..
Strength now seems alien to me..
i have no choice really... cos there is no such thing as giving up..
Its this way.. or that way...
either way.. its a fight..

Its see my loved ones constantly consumed by the pain they feel for me ...
little do they know of wat its actually like for me.. being me.. feeling me..

Hear my heart... and u'll no how fragile it is..
Hear my inner screams and you'll hear the rage ...
Hear my soul's voice.. and u'll feel the despair and e cold..

I feel constantly heavy ... and i've been literally dragging myself through the every day..
I can't fight anymore.. Everyone of u have taken a piece of me...
really i barely have enough left of me to fight anyone of u...
i'm better off alone actually... yes its lonesome..
but by far more peaceful...

All of u are consumed about your own thoughts and feelings and life ahead...
i'm not asking you to sympathize with me..
all i ask is not to further burden me..
i've already got so much at hand...

i can't bear anymore than this..

Why wldn't anyone understand?

Whats love?

Why do u ppl do wat u do to me...
just leave me alone ..
haiz..

Today is going to be one of those F'ed up days where anything and everything goes wrong... and almost everybody is stepping on your already damaged toes... and the loved ones ard you wriggle the life out u in your nerves.. and your BP shoots to a pt when whatever you do or say is deemed as irrational.. and your heart thumps in fear of what may happen... and your soul is not in peace.. that you can get tired from all many events in your dreams whilst your sleep.. and you have just one thing coming up ... that u wish nvr to face... yet u cld feel it in the gut for the past few days..and you know u have no choice..

yes.. the disastor has arrived.. hold fast!
come what may...
i shall previal..



P.S. those who know me.. do yourself a favour. Save yourself the trouble of being burnt by the flares of my upcoming rage in any way... ya.. stay away from my sight or fight. thankew.

ok whats with gals wearing almost transparent translucent sarees and not pleating it up?

i mean.. i know its fashionable to let down the mundanei.. the purpose is to flaunt the pallu.. NOT your skin!!! wallow... *faintz*like u might as well just wear your blouse.. and wrap the saree ard the waist and walk around right? no need to pin over your blouse wat? for wat? its useless.. besides.. there is barely any design other than the border... its only gd at showing your blouse through and through... damn damn damn.. cant u mommies teach your gals how to wear them?

and u gals wear as such to templesssssss *cries out LOUD* ramaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

the end is nearing... but the intensity of the pain grows.. will it ever stop?

felt like yesterday when it all happened.. and its been 6 months..
I have no say or no need to question why it all happened..
I don't want to know either..

My heart is stoning.. i can feel it... it just randomly made the owner shed tears yesterday.. i had a gut feeling that .. that was my last... more like a preperation for the many more disappointments and heartaches and tough times ahead... i know its gg to be a rough ride... how rough i don't know.. but rough enough to possibly break me... i know ..

I don't feel as strong as i felt i was a while back.. It all drained.. its tough.. cos no matter what, i no i am on my own...family and friends saying that they will b there for me doesnt seem convincing or look like something i can count on.. ultimately.. its my decision.. whatever actions and consequences henceforth is for me to decide or tolerate...

Some things are simply not in my hands...

like how lonely i feel... with that empty space.. which i know can nvr be filled in again...

like how much anyone cld sympathize and console.. yet i can nvr feel any better...

like how much i need to be alone .. when i feel down.. and anyone who doesnt gets the brant of it

like how i barely have any tolerence for anyone who tries achieve what they want at the expense of my life/heart/thoughts/feelings etc...

like how i can see all of you are selfish ... but i dont mind.. cos i no its natural.. just dont make me a part of it..

like how i wish i can convince u that i've had enough in my life.. and just to leave me alone..

like how i feel like a stranger in my family sometimes...

like how i cant laugh from my heart like i used to...

like how i can cry so much and in the end feel the same old dull pain...

like how i am human... and i can er..

like how i actually have a heart a mind and a conscience.. and i can actually feel as crumpled and limp as i feel now..

like how so much has changed.. and i had nth to do with it.. yet it's all abt me

like how i am helpless abt it..

like how my life turned out lately.

There is only one ...
who's my salvage..
That is the lord himself..
Trust me, he nvr failed me..
Noone can touch me with him by my side..

Try and F with my life.. he'll F yours urs up... period.
don't say i didnt warn ya..


P.S. i'm never going back to u... cos i know you do not have my best interests at heart.. i have no fear.. cos my conscience is clear..

This is long due... but i had to.. haha!

Well.. v day was last week.. and it one day u see the gals at their best looking sweet and anxious and the boys... actually bothering to hold the bouquets and the teddy bears and wait in the public... lolz! cos they jolly well no their are not alone ...

It is also this day... wer the gal friends meet up.. most of the times..in gdwill of filling in the empty space of not having a date for the day.. or thats how it started..

SO.. keerthu .. vaani who was excited abt the "threesome" .. and i.. decided to meet..
aft much plans and changes.. we met at bouna vista mrt.. while waiting for them.. it was interesting to see the sights and sounds unquie to the nature of that special day.. haha!

The gal dressed so sweet... dolled up..kept looking at her watch.. and received phone calls every now and then... probably apologies from the BF that he was late... haha

This angmo boy... carrying a small bouquet.. and was obviously not comfy holding it while waiting for his date... he tried but in vain to hide it.. lolz! cute!

The many other couples clinging to each other like as though their significant other wld run away at the sight of another eligible single..

And the many GFs holdind their beautiful bouquets in one hand.. the holding their BF's hand in the other.. beaming with pride.. "seee! he buy for me one!"

And the gal friends ... exchanging gifts .. the genuine joy.. with no sense of reservation.. yes i no how it feels :D

yap! so we met and walked over to holland V and had out "Kotthu Ice Cream" at Creamery..

And then we walked around abit.. visited a pet shop or two.. lolz just for the fun of it.. and keerthu bought sth for herself there... woops... i meant.. sth for her BF's doggy.. ehehe...

Then vaani and i decided we need sth spicy.. so we went to a nearby hawker stall.. and got ourselves Kway TEow.. with extra chillie.. god! it was hot!and vaani was so cool abt it.. i guess i lost my endurance.. haha!

and we had a loomantic walk back to the mrt...

see here comes the highlight...

Keerthu was speaking of food generally... so she was trying to recommend this French restaurent..

K: ya! its really nice you guys should really go there... its a French Restaurent actually..
V: oh.. wat kind of food do they serve there?
K: -_- er... french food vaani..

LOL!

Dear mom and dad..

If only u knew wat this meant..

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you,yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.


- Khalil Gibran

So much cld have been...

haiz...

if only the dead could see all the tributes to them..
If only you knew that they could see all those..
If only you knew just before their line is cut..
If only .. you cld say it.. and they cld hear it..
If only they were there .. smiling down at you..
the way they always did...
making the lovely sounds.. using words that u r too used to hearing..
If only those sounds were not just echos..
If only ...
If only..
If only..

There are some ppl we miss and we just cannot say it.. simply cos its not going to change a thing..

i know who i miss.. and i no his presence will nvr leave me.
w/o you we've tumbled and crashed in many ways.
yet we survive in the bits and pieces that we are.. cos of u..
You'll always be our gardian angel.. the pillar of us.. our strength