__________________ ** the fate, the life & mua

2008-07-03T08:58:00.007+08:00

Melancholy

............................................................

frankly speaking... despite the gret new job of mine... this is the word that sets my day... from the break of dawn till night fall.. my oni salvage is sleep ...

Space

............................................................

This is wat i yearn for day in day out... be it at home or out.. with or w/o people ard... parents friends men ... its alot more than to just physically leave me alone... how wld it feel to pay to smile.. when wat u pay is ur space.. in life its either this or that... tt sucks

Trust

............................................................

Is hard to come by these days.. 2 way traffic it is... u dont trust me and i dont trust u... lets be professional (safe) ... sad thing is... i'm afraid i am being forced to apply this at home too...

2008-06-06T10:43:00.007+08:00

Ok ppl here are some distasteful updates

First and foremost... I got my results.. hell no i didnt do well.. ya ok i no.. shit happens.. save all the how comes and how nows..I had three modules. The great grand old taxation; the accounting theory and last but not least our audit! well ... as for accounting theory and audit.. i "passed" as is in just passed... and the cannot-go-wrong open book exam... taxation.. was the fucken shit house paper that i failed... funny how i was more consistent in the revision for my tax than for the other two. And to top it all... i actually did well for the two projects which is a combi of a credit and a distinction.. and summed up to 40% the coursework.. makes me really ponder wat on planet earth happened .. really i was so sure of my self.. that i am beginning to wonder if the answer booklet was jinxed even before it came to me.

how my family reacted... is a mixed thing... generally they are upset ... but not as outrageous as they used to be. Infact, optimistic. I've chosen to take my studies at a more comfy pace although my dad isn't in favour. oh He'll come around. hm..so will other things.. or so i hope.

Nextly next... is a slightly happier one for me.. maybe no so for you guys la.. firstly those who love to hear from me... would miss me to bits.. and those who are working their butts off... wld have their stomachs burning... cos i am gg off to VIETNAM!! 9 day back pack HOLYdayS! I would be a grand gooseberry tagging along with my bro and his wifey whom i love to bits( so i dont really care if i turned out to be a goose berry ya!) :p. so miss me ya'll but don't curse me. & if i love u that much.. once day i'll drag u along with me to travel.. in time to come ya! keerthu, u're in the list already! haha! so i dont care what the krishnamoorthys have to say... but i'm so gona kidnap you.

so on a random note, ok its not random-> actually its the reason i blogged today...

for one... i think i forgot wat it feels like to be in love.. u no that high feeling.. see i can't even describe it... ya its sad.. god bless the guy who gets to be with me in the long run ..( if any). What ever, happened to the affectionate, caring me... i cannot for the life of me feel it anymore. I wonder if its gone for gd.. i feel like a bloody stranger to myself.

I feel fucking torn..within me .. and between my loved ones..i dont mean to be as ignorant or as selfish as i seem to be. I just can't help it. If everybody wants a piece of me. Wats left for me?

just someone, smile and say that i am not being an asshole. please.

Damn i can't rest till i see u

I'm sorry i no i am always a disappointment

I just hope i have the chance to make it up to you

2008-05-30T15:10:00.003+08:00

and i cried.. all over again..

i wonder if i can actually feel any punier and worse about myself....

2008-05-29T10:32:00.004+08:00

I'm so happy...

---------------------------

After what seemed like a million years..

for a reason i nvr thought wld ever happen..

--------------------------------------------------------

that I could cry...

All thanks 2 u

2008-05-26T10:25:00.008+08:00

yes yes .. the word neglect has been hitting on me like a million times by a million creatures...

i admit.. i have been detached from the world out there.. what can i say? i was told that i've been too conusumed with myself. Really but is it true? How else do you expect me to be? the lifeless/heartless/zombified being ? with no social life? with no way in which i can have my laughter and joy? Wind the freaking time back .. remember how i used to be? for all the ways in which i tried to make do, i get this. I dont blame fate. I never did. But how am i supposed to function normally, minus all sources of joy i had. "Be yourself!"; "Soar!"; "Be strong" are the things you people tell me. How? The big bad world out there is not making it any condusive for me to be myself, soar or be strong. It reeks of self interest!! Every single effort is taken and it breaks effortlessly. My well of patience and determination drying out. How do i pick myself up? Is it wrong to move on? Is it wrong to live life according to my age? Is it wrong to seek joy?

It is so sad how you of all people would forget how tough a life you've imposed on me. Always being a source of intimidation upon my smiles and my drive to move on with life. In the name of the "love" you claim to have upon me, leave-me-alone. Stop draining the life out of me and my family. god.

The world has lost its rainbows and colourful flowers thanks to people like you.

Bring me somewhwere... somewhere... where there's none of u...

2008-04-03T10:58:00.006+08:00

Life's a bitch!

cos Men hav been Fuckin ard with her..

Over and Over again...

you all function the same ole way...

sickly sick creatures...

Why are we women stuck as such..

cursed... women are cursed...

Men wrote poems of how they suffered..

in the name of love..

there's no such written for men by women..

cos Women suffer in silence..

not for them..

but for love..

2008-03-18T09:27:00.004+08:00

why is it always my fault?

my work

my school

my family

my friends

my love life

random ppl

everything

Everybody is so ready to point finger at me?

Did i expect too much?

i guess i did..

Then i shld do away with it...

haiz.. I've had enough...

I shld go on a hiatus..

right

about

now

2008-03-13T13:20:00.003+08:00

today's thoughts...

1) the world functions on self interest. Everybody is downright selfish. Its actually natural. Pft!

2) I am walking on a very sharp blade today. May the lord be with me.

3) I'm so over u! thank god. and gd riddence.

4) Dont you think its time to get that fire up and bright ? the exams are nearing.

5) You can't be like this forever u no? move that bum and get the prjs moving faster than that snail pace will ya?

6) I'm glad its you now. I have more confidence in you than in her

7) There you go again. I feel used. yet i love u so..

8) I really need to change my job.

9) i feel fat all over again

10) the promise is broken.

I saw him today... that man.. bastard!

and my poor dad things he's a trusty pal of his...

if only he knew..

2008-03-06T14:45:00.004+08:00

you! you! you .. oh and you! IN the BIN! yes!

damn .. how i wish!

anyhowzzz.... still good riddance and FUCK YOU!

ah....
I FEEL LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS!

2008-03-05T16:25:00.009+08:00

RAGE ! VENGENCE! PAIN! SCREAM!! this is all thats running in my head!

Why is it that you ppl are so freaking consumed with wat you see; wat u think and wat u feel! Why is it that i must always take into consideration all about wat u all are...
when U! dont give a darn damn abt me!

Suddenly appear and disappear.. and expect me to cradle and adore u the same!
dont i have a hearT!?! if u've got those swings as to when u want to avoid me and when u need me..
lemme give u one fine advice! SAVE ME THE trouble! i have no time for your juvenile nonsense! trust me i am more than u think i am!

About the only two ppl in the world who know me in and out... understand almost everything abt wat i am gg thru.. i love u and i love u.. god's gift ! i hope to treasure all my life..

call me when in need.. when in need of a hearing ear! all u freaking do is complain about your life! then?! am i forgotten?!! every now and then u just pop up! does it occur to u that i have my own probS?! dont u trust me enough... dont u trust what i am to you!?! u think i go to that extend that i did for u for those bums?!! how can u compare yourself with them?!! i wonder... wat i am to u..

Why?! why must i lie?! i ~~love~~ you! but i cant be with you! u no why?! cos u plain simply F'ed up with my life! it'll be down right dumb to love u the same! i hate u and your family! AND how much u deny it... U ARE A SINKING SHIP! AND I DONT WISH TO SINK WITH U! period!

You both oni have feelings issit? why? do i look like plastic? does it occur to u that i am suffering way way much more than you both! I TRUSTED U GUYS!!! i'd DIE for u both! remember?!! you said u knew better! IS THIS WAT I GET?!! for entrusting my life .. upon your need to hold your head up high? huh? why ... why.. i'm never good enough right? i'm better off e dead cute gal than to be a walking failure in your life.. really! but i just dont have the guts!i no... u'd rather jump down then to ... i'll nvr forget that.. i nvr will.. down to my grave!

i can nvr thank god enough... i wish i can express myself more to u.. but i know it'll hurt... or it might jsut disappoint u to see how disturbed i actually am.. i love u both alot... being you both makes me forget all the shit in my life.. i cannot feel any more secure with anyone else than i do with u guys...

you snivelling liar! U hypocrite! ya i no you care... u care cos its got to do with u! u're a bitch in my life! You think you've swept everything under the carpet... u think u can play punk between us.. u think u've got it all safe kept well undercover... here 's a news for u! NOT!!! i no u panic every time we meet... and i no why! ha! we've bbeen there done that... seen too much of your kind! let me warn u! play more punk... and your whole charade will flunk right b4 ur eyes!

You are one thing that makes me smile. wat wld i do w/o u...

You all think i sit and pity myself issit?!! think i am weak issit? think i am like any other gal?! I AM NOT! give me time! i'll show all u idiots wat i am made of. i have my loved ones.. i love them with all my heart... and with all due sincerity.. i no who all are there for me for real... who care w/o any ulterior motive... i no who u guys all are.. i also know those of u who think of me so lightly... and intend to punk ard with me. dont underestimate me.. with my face and my smiles! deep down i no i am sth special... and trust me.. i can sense if there sth not gd about you... i may not show it to u.. but i will be very aware of u. feigning ignorance is my strength.. but it all ends at a point.. beyond which i will have no reservation on how i will treat u! I dont care abt those who dont give a damn abt me.. i can forgive those who hurt me unknowingly... but i'll nvr forgive those whomi've ever trusted in any way and still can even in the teeniest bit intend to hurt me knowingly... dont think i dono who u all are.

Basically : just dont bitch with my life! COS I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!!

2008-02-29T09:35:00.001+08:00

That dull pain...

Makes me wana scream my heart out!!!

2008-02-28T13:42:00.002+08:00

"Someone once told me, to get out of bad situtation, the key is to give it everything you've got to make it work. And if it still doesn't, get out and never look back. "

This.. i got it from someone else's blog..

Its easy for a third person to look at me and say.. my god u are strong..
All i can say is... i am as weak as the pain i feel every day..
Strength now seems alien to me..
i have no choice really... cos there is no such thing as giving up..
Its this way.. or that way...
either way.. its a fight..

Its see my loved ones constantly consumed by the pain they feel for me ...
little do they know of wat its actually like for me.. being me.. feeling me..

Hear my heart... and u'll no how fragile it is..
Hear my inner screams and you'll hear the rage ...
Hear my soul's voice.. and u'll feel the despair and e cold..

I feel constantly heavy ... and i've been literally dragging myself through the every day..
I can't fight anymore.. Everyone of u have taken a piece of me...
really i barely have enough left of me to fight anyone of u...
i'm better off alone actually... yes its lonesome..
but by far more peaceful...

All of u are consumed about your own thoughts and feelings and life ahead...
i'm not asking you to sympathize with me..
all i ask is not to further burden me..
i've already got so much at hand...

i can't bear anymore than this..

Why wldn't anyone understand?

Whats love?

Why do u ppl do wat u do to me...
just leave me alone ..
haiz..

2008-02-26T09:34:00.006+08:00

Today is going to be one of those F'ed up days where anything and everything goes wrong... and almost everybody is stepping on your already damaged toes... and the loved ones ard you wriggle the life out u in your nerves.. and your BP shoots to a pt when whatever you do or say is deemed as irrational.. and your heart thumps in fear of what may happen... and your soul is not in peace.. that you can get tired from all many events in your dreams whilst your sleep.. and you have just one thing coming up ... that u wish nvr to face... yet u cld feel it in the gut for the past few days..and you know u have no choice..

yes.. the disastor has arrived.. hold fast!
come what may...
i shall previal..

P.S. those who know me.. do yourself a favour. Save yourself the trouble of being burnt by the flares of my upcoming rage in any way... ya.. stay away from my sight or fight. thankew.

2008-02-22T12:00:00.005+08:00

ok whats with gals wearing ~~almost transparent~~ translucent sarees and not pleating it up?

i mean.. i know its fashionable to let down the mundanei.. the purpose is to flaunt the pallu.. NOT your skin!!! wallow... *faintz*like u might as well just wear your blouse.. and wrap the saree ard the waist and walk around right? no need to pin over your blouse wat? for wat? its useless.. besides.. there is barely any design other than the border... its only gd at showing your blouse through and through... damn damn damn.. cant u mommies teach your gals how to wear them?

and u gals wear as such to templesssssss *cries out LOUD* ramaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

2008-02-22T09:13:00.008+08:00

the end is nearing... but the intensity of the pain grows.. will it ever stop?

felt like yesterday when it all happened.. and its been 6 months..
I have no say or no need to question why it all happened..
I don't want to know either..

My heart is stoning.. i can feel it... it just randomly made the owner shed tears yesterday.. i had a gut feeling that .. that was my last... more like a preperation for the many more disappointments and heartaches and tough times ahead... i know its gg to be a rough ride... how rough i don't know.. but rough enough to possibly break me... i know ..

I don't feel as strong as i felt i was a while back.. It all drained.. its tough.. cos no matter what, i no i am on my own...family and friends saying that they will b there for me doesnt seem convincing or look like something i can count on.. ultimately.. its my decision.. whatever actions and consequences henceforth is for me to decide or tolerate...

Some things are simply not in my hands...

like how lonely i feel... with that empty space.. which i know can nvr be filled in again...

like how much anyone cld sympathize and console.. yet i can nvr feel any better...

like how much i need to be alone .. when i feel down.. and anyone who doesnt gets the brant of it

like how i barely have any tolerence for anyone who tries achieve what they want at the expense of my life/heart/thoughts/feelings etc...

like how i can see all of you are selfish ... but i dont mind.. cos i no its natural.. just dont make me a part of it..

like how i wish i can convince u that i've had enough in my life.. and just to leave me alone..

like how i feel like a stranger in my family sometimes...

like how i cant laugh from my heart like i used to...

like how i can cry so much and in the end feel the same old dull pain...

like how i am human... and i can er..

like how i actually have a heart a mind and a conscience.. and i can actually feel as crumpled and limp as i feel now..

like how so much has changed.. and i had nth to do with it.. yet it's all abt me

like how i am helpless abt it..

like how my life turned out lately.

There is only one ...
who's my salvage..
That is the lord himself..
Trust me, he nvr failed me..
Noone can touch me with him by my side..

Try and F with my life.. he'll F yours urs up... period.
don't say i didnt warn ya..

P.S. i'm never going back to u... cos i know you do not have my best interests at heart.. i have no fear.. cos my conscience is clear..

2008-02-20T12:53:00.003+08:00

This is long due... but i had to.. haha!

Well.. v day was last week.. and it one day u see the gals at their best looking sweet and anxious and the boys... actually bothering to hold the bouquets and the teddy bears and wait in the public... lolz! cos they jolly well no their are not alone ...

It is also this day... wer the gal friends meet up.. most of the times..in gdwill of filling in the empty space of not having a date for the day.. or thats how it started..

SO.. keerthu .. vaani who was excited abt the "threesome" .. and i.. decided to meet..
aft much plans and changes.. we met at bouna vista mrt.. while waiting for them.. it was interesting to see the sights and sounds unquie to the nature of that special day.. haha!

The gal dressed so sweet... dolled up..kept looking at her watch.. and received phone calls every now and then... probably apologies from the BF that he was late... haha

This angmo boy... carrying a small bouquet.. and was obviously not comfy holding it while waiting for his date... he tried but in vain to hide it.. lolz! cute!

The many other couples clinging to each other like as though their significant other wld run away at the sight of another eligible single..

And the many GFs holdind their beautiful bouquets in one hand.. the holding their BF's hand in the other.. beaming with pride.. "seee! he buy for me one!"

And the gal friends ... exchanging gifts .. the genuine joy.. with no sense of reservation.. yes i no how it feels :D

yap! so we met and walked over to holland V and had out "Kotthu Ice Cream" at Creamery..

And then we walked around abit.. visited a pet shop or two.. lolz just for the fun of it.. and keerthu bought sth for herself there... woops... i meant.. sth for her BF's doggy.. ehehe...

Then vaani and i decided we need sth spicy.. so we went to a nearby hawker stall.. and got ourselves Kway TEow.. with extra chillie.. god! it was hot!and vaani was so cool abt it.. i guess i lost my endurance.. haha!

and we had a loomantic walk back to the mrt...

see here comes the highlight...

Keerthu was speaking of food generally... so she was trying to recommend this French restaurent..

K: ya! its really nice you guys should really go there... its a French Restaurent actually..
V: oh.. wat kind of food do they serve there?
K: -_- er... french food vaani..

LOL!

2008-02-20T12:31:00.003+08:00

Dear mom and dad..

If only u knew wat this meant..

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you,yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

- Khalil Gibran

So much cld have been...

haiz...

2008-02-04T11:33:00.000+08:00

if only the dead could see all the tributes to them..
If only you knew that they could see all those..
If only you knew just before their line is cut..
If only .. you cld say it.. and they cld hear it..
If only they were there .. smiling down at you..
the way they always did...
making the lovely sounds.. using words that u r too used to hearing..
If only those sounds were not just echos..
If only ...
If only..
If only..

There are some ppl we miss and we just cannot say it.. simply cos its not going to change a thing..

i know who i miss.. and i no his presence will nvr leave me.
w/o you we've tumbled and crashed in many ways.
yet we survive in the bits and pieces that we are.. cos of u..
You'll always be our gardian angel.. the pillar of us.. our strength

2008-01-30T16:28:00.000+08:00

i've been wanting to do so for a very very on long time... but it was not till just a while ago .. that i got to muster my courage to do it.. that was to visit.. turquoisehouse.blogspot.com

It is seems like a stranger's blog.. yet i miss it so much.. one year.. one exact year.. soo much .. too much.. i miss wat it meant to me.. i miss the purpose it served.. i miss the one significant reader.. i miss soo much.. that just allowing myself to even give it a fleeting thought.. makes me well up..

which is why i haven't been blogging much.. cos i am very aware of who are my readers... in fact too aware.. and i lost my mojo to blog.. life's dead.. dreams are trashed.. barely anything to look forward to .. other than the large and intimidating world out there...

I must give it to all the friends and also my bro and the sis in law.. and my parents.. for being there to wipe my tears away whilst holding theirs back.. and to strike the many smiles and laughters on my face... no doubt its a joy to b back to all of u... but the heartfelt pain prevails.. its simply near impossible to toss it behind me.. and function like none of wat happened in the past two years has occured.. watever the case.. the presence of all of u has made my life easier to handle... i love u guys alot sincere and from the pit of my already damages heart.. not to mention the fact that god is helping me.. i grateful for that too...

some things are better left unspoken and buried.. somethings are best left alone.. most of which i cant put in words anyway... ya.. hell ! life goes on.. and the easiest part abt it... is only saying it..

living it.. ...
....

2008-01-15T12:03:00.000+08:00

At a pt in time .. i questioned my reason for living..

Somewhere along the way .. I knew that there was sth amiss in my life..

I nvr understood wat any1 meant when they said its ur live...

I fiegned ignorance in the name of filial peity and love..

now i question .. where is this ignorance gg to bring me?

Only in myths and legends did such people gain glory..

I don't want no glory or pride..

I just want my life..

none wld no wat it is like to be me..

except for the lord and i..

Where there was love..

there was no hope..

where there was hope..

There was no love..

2008-01-14T09:32:00.000+08:00

I'm trashed.. crumpled..

I know you are reading this.. Don't ask me how.. i just know. I am just purely shocked and crumpled by the things you guys have predicted of me. Once again, my heart is being squeezed due to the irony of the situation i am in. Lemme tell you one thing.. from the bottom of my heart. It is way way much easier than anything else.. to pretend ignorance and walk back in like as though everything will be fine. It freaking hurts to do this!!

Freedom.. what do u know of freedom. Freedom is the ability to think for yourself.. the ability to make balanced decisions.. the ability to face the consequences of ur decisions with integrity and dignity.. all of which i had when i was with u....apparently, u had none.. so in wat position are u in to speak of freedom my friend? New found freedom at the expense of breaking my own heart ? think well... There is no freedom in feeling vulnerable and trashed.. there is no freedom beyond killing the hopes and dreams of us i've weaved within...there is no freedom in being striped of a status .. the status of being your wife. Freedom.. is freewill.. the will to love with all ur heart and fight for it.. i've lost that.. wats freedom.. wat the hell can i do with that?

U gave me chance hence i shld give u a chance? tell me.. did u really give me a chance? since u pulled the card out... lets throw it on the table to talk.. yes i made a mistake.. i admit... brought upon myself.. let lemme tell u.. i had my back log.. which i didnt settle properly.. it is natural in the environment we grew up in.. u and i no of it. Early in our union.. U didnt make it conducive for me to confidently toss it right behind me and never to turn back.. I always said it was totally my fault.. but now lemme tell u.. It was half your freaking fault! U even at a pt in time.. thought an intimate r/s will settle all awkwardness between us.. did i look like a rag doll.. or a bimbo with reaking hormones? u foolish thing! even after all that had been settled.. u still suspected me.. u broke my heart over and over again.. you called my friends up and made me look like a fool.. my heart and conscience was clear.. yours wasnt.. so tell me.. who is to suspect who? you closed your door all day.. in the com and wait till night fall for me to come home.. u no the Internet? u no that an idler's mind is a devil's workshop.. yet.. have i ever questioned you? did u notice the amount of trust i placed upon u w/o question.. the ways in which i shielded you against all possible insensitive Qs thrown to you? I dont like being a shameless creature listing all the things i did for you which u took advantage of.. One thing i can say.. any other gal of my profile and background wld have DEMANDED more out the r/s we are sharing.. but i didnt.. bcos i was sincere in trying to work things out between us.. i didnt even allow my own parents to come between us... after doing all these.. u make it sound like i am looking forward to running away from you? As it is i'm heart broken.. this so helped me! I'm dumbfounded.. so whats the meaning of all the hugs and kisses? and i love yous and i miss Us.. nth right? The world is unfair and selfish.. i agree.. that is why i ended up like that.. didnt i? why? when the world is like that? why shld i be any different? right? i mean just noone thought for me.. did u? did ur dad? did ur mom? ur relatives? did my parents? they didnt.. they trusted your dad! blindly!!! so since.. noone thought for me.. dont u think its time i stop entrusting myself upon others.. and start thinking for myself?

My parents can nvr convince me either way... cos i have ever told them.. and so has my sister in law and bro.. they will nvr no wat is feels like to b me. they respect that.. and till now its always been my wish.. i no i've mentioned this.. but i shall mention its again.. its always easy to run back to you like nth happened.. i'm not used to making such huge decisions.. i'm more used to adapting. But i have to stop being like that.. i am forced to do so.. for if i dont, i'm foolish. At this juncture.. i can guarantee u this.. my decision is not based on emotions... i've set aside the anger of u guys lying to me.. i've also set aside the part where i love u.. let's be fair.. look at it at a fresh pt of view.. like i was gg to be with you.. so wats there for me to walk in.. 1) simply the blind hope that things will be fine 2) taking ur word for it.. which requires both the emo pointers i ruled out earlier on.. hence walking in looks bleak.. walking out.. there is hope.. either way.. i am gg to suffer.. i know.. i no wat i can go thru and wat i cant.. i got a taste of wat its like to go thru wat i did wit u.. if not for e parents and the siblings i had.. if not for the fact that they'd blame themselves.. i wldnt be alive.. all cos of u. u induced me to kill myself .. one night.. u did.. and i almost succumbed to u.. surprised?so imagine my strength level a decade later.. u probably wldnt be the oni one with problems..

What more can i say to convince u all.. that here and now is not the problem at all..its the tomorrow.. the 5 yrs.. and the 10 years.. for once open ur eyes and look at it from my pt of view.. pls i beg of u to sympathize with me..

Its easy to point finger.. and say u did this u did that.. its also easy to make promises today and forget tmr.. we are both wrong and right in many ways. i have nth against u.. and i still love you.. i miss you like crazy.. But that.. is not gg to change my decision. i have kept my reasons for this decisions at check right from the start.... I am aware of the consequences of my decision.. and i strongly believe i can face the odds.. i believe one day.. i'd move on.. and soar.. if u cld find it anywer in ur heart to give in for me.. i beg of u.. pls do so.. let me go.

2007-12-28T16:46:00.000+08:00

i sense an intruder... hence the halt !

2007-12-18T08:59:00.000+08:00

I must say that life has been a little smoother...No significant progress though. I leave the house in the morning and return at night fall. The parents are not too happy because they think OT w/o a pay is bad. Haha! They had no idea that sometimes its OT with social life. :p oh well.. Whatever the case, the job has go in to the bin soon.

I've had time to catch up with a few friends.. some have gone missing for good. But I have a selective few that i NEED. I can bet my life on their presence when i need it. Push, Lak, Shank I can't thank u guys enough. Yes we've had our tough times... but the chemistry will nvr end.. There is hope. I love all three of u.. hugz! I hope our bond stay the way it is or grows in the years to come.
Shank, i had a very good time in your place yesterday. I'm so happy that shaf is this close to being with u for good. I'm happy for the two of u! HUGZ to the two of u!! I know we had our cold wars and awkward moments..
but i noticed you yesterday... you've become the old shank i used to no.. My vathu is back!!! I sense it is very much attributable to shaf being with you for so long. I might want to thank him. It never ended for me to start all over again with u da.. this is a moment i have been hoping for w/o saying for v long. I've had my disappointments and tough times with you.. but I'll throw all that shit away for this. Its all nothing.. I hope this is will continue for good da.. Will it be as such?

Lak, me sweet sweet gf! who has grown to be a lady from the vulnerable tough gerl. I love u much and more thanthat.. i am very proud of you. U have been there for me through my tough times da... I remember, during my fateful one year.. you are the one who always called. Almost everyday w/o fail.. even though i rarely responded. Any other would have given up. You didnt. You wont my parents over not because you are good gal.. haha! you won them over cos of your genuine concern over me. no toots is going to steal wats between us from me or you. I love u so da.. you're my bitch! always.. muakz! u n i stil have an all day out pending.. i promise to make it up to u da.. hugz!

Push is one friend i rarely meet and talk.. not even a msg.. to the extend i sometimes wonder if she's alive. Then i panic and will nvr rest till i get some form of response from her. haha! this bitch.. is my living motivation - when the going gets tough.. the tough gets going. My pride and joy! she is my defination of friendship .. I is laus this fat arse much!

If she was a guy.. i'd be madly in love with him! pushpan! haha! :p

As for my parents. They are v sweet. I don't help much with the housework and they sometimes even help me out with my chores.!!! Wha... really perks the guilt up!! This morning.. my dad was popping oreos into my milk for me after my every bite... cos i was rushing up and down to get ready for work. This other day, he was feeding me in the midst of using my laptop before going to work. oh god.. such things melt me.. but i hate myself for being so dependent on them. Its totally against my agenda!!!

It is all because i am stumbling!!! i am stumbling!! laziness engulfs me.. slave for procastination.. bad bad bad! V bad! The zest has been clouded!! Clear that fog gerl!!need more responsibility over myself... more discipline... Need to move that bum!! oh god!! i'm loosing my priorities.. i seem to give most importance to slacking upon reaching home! damn damn damn!

Ok ok.. i must change... i must must change... sch's starting.. i have to start sacrificing that sleep and slack time and move that arse!

MOVE IT !! WORK IT!!

2007-12-14T09:21:00.000+08:00

ok i no its been some time..
Well things are not so dramatic although i had a few occasions.

I realised that guys tend to have really weird ways of getting attention from gals .
On one instance, some random indian guy ( i would say a fair tall 18 or a 19 yr old) was tilting his head looking directly at me.. like "hey there, i am looking at you" kinda look... of cos i did try to look like i was too busy looking out for the station i want to drop off at. Which was looking out of the doorway.. and slowly my mind wandered and thinking of the happy tunes i'd be playing soon.. and dreaming of being a musician someday... and... SWAM! I got sucked back into reality.. that jerk rammed his palm against the door ( which happened to be at the direction of my gaze) to get my attention!!! Like wat the hell!!

And whoever said that gals are the emo beings.
I have to totally disagree. I mean.. i've seen those fickle minded.. those hopeless romantics.. those even shedding tears for a tiff with their friends... Oh come off it! like hello!! snap out of it can? They don't speak up front and deal with things as it is. Emotions rule their conversations!! its annoying .. cos later they claim its not them.. Its rare, to see men being direct and logical at all... but i can't blame them cos the world has become so resistent towards in your face behaviours so much so that it can look moronic. My advice.. be direct and in the face cos its way much easier to handle ... but of cos with moderation, honey coats, etc. whatever u prefer... or just serve is plain and w/o make up if you can dare to handle it that is... :p

I have been into the spree of dressing up lately.. probably an effort to boost my mood for the day... Yes, and life is slowly budging forth but certain somethings and some people are holding me back.. i know i have been really off track lately. I have to set myself straight before school starts. I do not have much time at hand... oh god.. Once the sem starts, my life will be a whirl wind and i wont have the time... the time to laugh.. the time to indulge in emotions.. the time to care and share.. the time to talk things out.. the time to work things out.. the time to catch up with things.. the time let your emotions show.. the time to think about any of these..

I fear how things are gg to turn out.. i smell trouble brewing up.. can't really put my finger to it.. its could be the parents..

speaking of them.. this morning my dad was mumbling something like coming home and eating and sleeping... sounded more like he was refering to me..and when i asked him" yenna pa?" cos i couldnt really catch he was saying... he said .. "no no nothing" hm.. disturbing..

friends... i miss them loads.. i no i might be loosing a few soon..

but! life goes on...

I am at my cross roads again.. my head tells one thing and my heart says another... i no i shld be listening to my head here... but the pressure is too hard to follow the heart... and hence i relent .. and revert.. and relent.. and revert..back and forth on and on ... where the hell is this gg to bring me.. when in e time of my life.. wld this struggle end..

Dear lord, i am loosing the awareness of your presence..
I feel guilty. Cos i no that it is my doing.
I should set myself straight..
And only you can help me..
I cant pull if off on my own
Cos it hurts alot ...

vinaayagneh vinei theerpavaneh..

2007-12-10T09:43:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry...

For yelping and snapping for no reason...
For being unreasonably rude..
For poking where it hurts most..
For sending in the wrong signals to the wrong people..
For being ignorant...
For the frenemies i give face to..
For the friends i Lash out at...
For my loved ones... who think i am totally fine..
For my loved ones.. who think I am totally off track..
For breaking my precious violin..
For being reckless about what you feel for me..
For being the bitch that i am..

I'm sorry..
I feel so ashamed...

Sorry is all i can say..
tho i no its not enough...

2007-12-07T10:12:00.000+08:00

I felt like a walking miracle this morning..
I finally had my long awaited undisturbed slumber..

I have alot of shit running in my head...

But i dont care... my heart feels light..

I want to float..

Lemme be.

2007-12-06T09:57:00.000+08:00

Yes i admit i am feeling very disturbed today...

In fact i have been feeling disturbed in a long time...

But today has just gone over the board...

I need my lakshmi...

I miss her..

:(

2007-12-06T09:07:00.000+08:00

I am better off alone...

Its lonesome..

But it hurts less...

Being heartless can be a bliss

I want to be alone..

Does anyone care?

cos I dont.

She died...

She died a long time ago..

You are right...

I have changed ...

i might be becoming more like him

him whom i dont want to be..

but I no i have changed..

Which may b bad news for u..

I'm sorry...

2007-12-06T08:54:00.000+08:00

It seems like as though i am a very difficult thing...
Should i be doing u a big favour...
Is it by tearing myself away from u?

But i am so selfish..
I can't

But if i truely care for u..
Maybe i shld take my leave..

A lifetime of sorries may nvr be enough..
That is too much guilt and benefits of doubts between us..
Is the chemistry gone?

I fear...
I fear...

i dowan to loose this...
But was it wat i thought it was for a starters...

Are struggling to make sth out of whats gone stale between us?
Or is this a new beginning?
or is there anything at all?

I 'm sorry
for the price u paid..
But its nvr enough..
The fact stands that it'll nvr be enough..
Can u and i live on like that?

I am fighting my own war here..
Noone ... and i dont expect u to
understand what this war is..
let my battle be mine...

Not many have seen me in tears..
You are one of the few..
one who has seen me for who i am..

Sometimes...
i wonder if ..
it should have been this..
where gone is gone..

I can't express what i am really to u..
Cos it'll hurt you u to see the pictures of my thoughts
Hurting u ... hurts me..

Is this meant to be?
I wish ..
I wish..

I have no idea whats all these are going mean to you

There are the assumptions, presumptions, benefit of doubts, unanswered Qs, and more

But this my realm of thoughts..

My attempt to express myself..

If it turns out wrong again...

I have no idea...

wat i can do.

2007-12-03T15:07:00.000+08:00

i dont want to be treated like a queen.
Why don't you understand?
i just want a normal life...
sth u dont have.
sth u expect me to let go for u..
its too much...
i cant.
i wont.

I have made up my mind

I will not change it

Not for anyone

this is 4 me.

only me.

noone.

2007-12-03T12:07:00.001+08:00

So tell me...

Where are those guys...

who dont fancy dancing and fooling ard with drinks in clubs with random people...
who drink only on happy occasions ... and even after much 2 drink... still chill and steady
who has fun in many ways... other than clubbing.. drinking.. clubbing.. and drinking..
who sees love in his own unique perspective... not the way prescribed commercially
who knows for sure what type of gal would compensate for him and for what type he can compensate for .. not just her looks her money her hot grooves her sexual appeal
who has a social life.. other than clubs and work and school..
who has a passion for a special something.. other than alcohol or sex
who has a sexual life... not just when he's drunk or to randomly please his desire for the weekend..
who lives for the decades to come... not for the day or the coming weekend..
who when dating a lady... pulls the chair out for her on their dinner date...
who has a blogful of his thoughts and ideas (or not have a blog at all in the first place)... but not pictures of his hell-break-loose weekend at clubs with other let-your-hair-down gals ...
who has friends of interests other than clubbin, drinking and drowning in love matters....
who knows money is power and with power comes responsibility...
who makes money and spends it to make more... just for the fun of it..
who wakes up every morning fresh and with confidence... more to complete wat he wants to do for the day rather than to look forward to the end of it.
who sees ladies as the women they are... and not as chicks (yes there is a difference guys... sighz!)
who knows whats worth a fight and what not... when to step up and when to step back..
who knows how to argue with respect...
who knows that he doesnt have to be right all the time... but has enough intergrity to take ownership of his own actions and decisions...
who doesnt find the need to boast how manly he is to impress a woman...
who doesnt mind his past failures... and prefers to do sth abt it rather than to dwell in it
who doesnt swim in emotions... yet is very sensitive... knows his balance and his line...
who has absolute control over himself... his emotions.. his ego... his heart.. his soul.. his conscience.. his facial expressions... his body language...
who is sincere down to his bones... yet knows when a white lie cld make the situation a better one...
who beams of confidence at heart and yet radiates a gentle nature
who is gallant cos its him ... and not out for ulterior motives.. not to selective people.. but to everybody always
who dresses in a style he is comfortable with... cos he knows his look... and what reflects his personality ... not for the crowd... and not to be "unique" either...
who holds his ego at check ... not to be dettered... yet not to be overbearing...
who knows wat is he wants out of his love life... not that love is important... but knows its the lady he chooses who is impt.
who knows how to mould his woman ... not with force... but with love..

Endangered species i wld say... but not extinct...

Falling in love is the easiest part....
trust me..

need i say more?

2007-12-03T09:33:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhwIFbB5iuo

I chanced upon this in a friend's blog.

Beautiful... A must see.

Its an advert.... my hats off to it.

2007-11-30T11:41:00.000+08:00

aaaaaahhhhhhhh i ~~loved~~ him so.................

It hurts
It hurts
It hurts

Can i have a place in the freezer to shove my sore heart in.

Can i have a corner to hide so that i can cry those tears i'm not supposed to shed.

Can i have a day alone with no commitments nobody nowhere .. just me with me in a blank space.

Can I have a time stand still when i can yell my heart's rage out ... and noone hears it.

Can i have my life back please? any part of it.. really. just not this.

I taste blood..
The air is vile..
Evil's last laugh..
The echoes still linger..

Thaw as u might..
but its written ..
like on stone..

Its gone..
naught is left..
but my plight..

2007-11-30T08:38:00.000+08:00

8.40 am at work

I reached the office around 7.45 am. I felt triumphant about being the first in the office. It is about all that i can accomplish for the moment. My pending volume has incresed to 180 reports. When the prescribed by the sprvsr is below 150 and the client below 100.

Now that is SLACK!

Reason: Maybe its cos I hate this mandane job? Maybe its cos "lazy" runs through my veins. Maybe its cos i am down. Maybe its cos i am in more shit than i can handle. Maybe its cos i have a low pay. Maybe its cos i am not an accounts person. Maybe its cos my heart and soul is not here. Maybe its cos of the long ongoing lack of sleep. Maybe its cos.. of me.

Hack i have no idea why. but i am slackening.. and i can see it. and not proud of it.

Someone please shoot me.

I feel like a perfect piece of manure.

2007-11-29T14:33:00.000+08:00

The supervsr just scolded me...
I feel down already... ya.. i've been slacking..
but only in my follow ups! thats cos i am freaking lost.. at what to do... and what i am not supposed to do.. and i'll be yelled at for giving excuses if i were to try and explain that.
Ya. I hate following up cos it sucks to be begging people and having too many hands on one thing... half the stuff are with her and half are with me.. somethings she said she'll handle and days later she'll ask me what happen and why i am not taking action. And i am caught off gaurd. When hours later i realize... she said she'll look into it. There were times when she told me to go ahead and process something first and then chase for document , a week or so later she'll ask how can i process b4 complete collation of documents. Its wrong! bla bla bla... and i get stunned at again.. i used to make fun of lak (i call her "486" pvt joke) cos of this... but little did i no i'd be stuck in such situations...

I can't blame... i no i am slackening and although the hours are there.. the quality is not there...

half my heart is here... the other half is .. dead.. half my brain is here.. the other half is also.. dead.. or wandering off..

ironically i hear her punching out the keys in her keyboard more often and with an angst.. i believe she is going to whine once again to the big boss.. fine so go ahead. I am leaving anyways.

I hate this no life job where one repeats the same old shit over and over again... an utter waste of my time and also a tad too much expectations for the pay i get.

Ya.

whats the worst that can happen? Quit? ya sure.. i m more than happy to go.

2007-11-29T09:06:00.000+08:00

Ok its 9am and i am at work.

I open my mail box and the first thing i see is an e-mail sent by my client co. boss.

Prologue:
At work, i handle the employee travel and entertainment expenses. I check if they are well within the company's internal controls and do the necessary according to each situation. For the past month, ever since my Client co. has declared IPO, they have been proposing some changes in the policy. There was a series of forwarded mails and replies going on for a month. So, finally it is at works now. And this is wat my client boss had to say

"the storm is coming.... Be prepared." ->ironically this was sent at 10.48pm last night.
goes to show what were his sentiments when he sent the mail isn't it?

Now for my personal life:

I think its only fair of me to update you guys after all that nonsense in turquoisehouse.

I have only 1 thing to say as of my current status in life

I am staying with my parents. For Good.

- Go figure

Ya. End of update. Mean? yes?

Yes yes. Sad it is but dont call me and ask to explain. I'm tired of explaining myself to anyone anymore. Over is over. Yes. Its fucken sickly shit. But hack it! I've had enough. I tried my best and there is no point in laying hopes on a sinking ship. No regrets though. My conscience is clear. I've done my stupid fair share of being a dumb ass filial thing without my own brain and heart. Yes! i have officially quit living for others!

It's

time

i

live

for

myself

Call me pessimist and i dont give a freak shit. Really, I can only thank god for the fire he has lit in me . The fire to excel. The fire to fly without any strings attached. A new chance. A brand new life. The one i begged for every night through my tears as i looked into the sky once before. I shall take this on as god given and move on. Yes move on i will. But i am not going to trust anyone the same anymore. I have passed the phase of smiling through my tears, making do beyond what i can afford, giving in for no reason and being duty bound for emotional attachments. I am not going to allow anyone to throw me off my tracks anymore. I will live the life.. i have always dreamed of. Now that it is entirely in my hands. As vast and scary as it seems..I do not want to waste it. I am young. I just need to be careful and sure of myself. I laid my fragile life upon what i thought were trusty hands without question and they almost crushed it beyond recognition. Once again, my gratitude for the lord.. he slapped me back to reality and gave me a chance to seized it before that.

Enough is enough. Its time i tie up those knots, break the barriers and fight it.

Ok i sound like some defiant juvenile... yuck!

On a random note: I have been craving for junkies a tad too much for my own good lately. I should stop... BUT I CANT!!!! ZzzzZZz... hopeless la u shanti... hopeless thing... CMI.. CMIAA

Someone shoot me please. A significant someone i know/used to know almost always has a revolver at hand. But i no he wldnt do it.. bhaz!

2007-11-28T09:01:00.000+08:00

I officially declare that i am an underpaid employee...

Care to rescue anyone?!

I am worth more than that!!!!!!! walloweii...

advice to accts grads...

when an interviewer asks if you can do "full-set"
bloody hell say yes la!!! we paid our sch fee in full rite?.. and we graduated from our cos in full right?!
So why on earth wouldnt we know full set accounts?!!!!!
So dont be a fool... and understate your worth ppl!!.
We are taught to do full set accounts la ... our projects and all is full set!
AR/AP/ GL we no everything... take it on!

2007-11-20T12:24:00.000+08:00

The morning rush could almost get me suicidal i tell u!

2007-11-15T09:17:00.000+08:00

Selective people know selective things

Poor shanti.. she has been having her freedom at the worst times of her life...

There are loads of things i have been up to lately. There is no one person who knows my whole storey. Not so proud of it. Hell, I don't care. I'm not creating havoc here. I still have my limits. I know i am not making any sense at all. I think i am just trying to put into words what my thoughts are. Basically, it is scattered. I think I can figure the stock market out more than i can do so myself. I'm tired. I feel like looser for no reason. I know the state i am in and that there is no reason for me to feel as down as i am. But i do feel down! what can i do? Just go through it loh! I'm a lost sheep here. Noone can help me except for... me!

My friend "B" has been going through tough times lately. I totally understand how she feels. I cannot advice her much. Being there for her is about all that I can do for now. In my opinion, I think she has been rather rushy about things. She should slow down for her own sake. I told her that already. I can only hope she sticks to it. If she doesnt... I'd probably just kick her arse and then still be there for her.

I have been told never to babysit my friends. Acutally i agree with that. Your friends are individual by themselves. You may know them inside out but you will never know what it is like to "BE" them. I hope i made sense there. So, my believe is that your friend has to make her own decisions and live her own life and solve her own problems. As a friend, i owe her that much privacy. So the question is where do i stand as her friend? See.. she has me.. who knows the whole storey. I tell her my opinions.. I show her my piece of the view.. I tell her from my personal experience. Hence, I have an influence over her but the decision is hers to take. It is my down time too and she knows it. We hear each others' sad sad stories but we dont really need to comfort each other. Just the presence in it self is suffice. We really don't feel a great ounce better actually but its just a comfort.

I do feel lonely still... but i do want to be left alone.
I feel strong and independent ... but i've been actually crying myself to sleep for reasons contrary to that. Crazy gal you are shanti.. but thats just the way she is i guess.

I really want time out from all these... Yes, i do have a plan or two. When i was looking at my face in the mirror and brushing my teeth this morning ... i was thinking "haiz! only god knows how it is going to turn out.. wait wait wait... STOP! Shanti just realised sth then.. how it is all going to turn out is in MY hands... I am no more the little gal all so dependent on daddy's and mommy's permissio before i do anything.. I should go! i must go.. i have to! for my own freaking sake! " Ya.. one fruitful brushing that was.. but on a serious note.. i still am getting used to the way my life is now. This is a totally different phase of my life. It's vastness baffles me to a great extent. All i know for now is .. I need to seize it. The golden Q is.. yeppadi? how?!

But it is too early.. I cannot take off now.. I have to be patient.. consistent..calm ... steady ... work things out in a swift and clean manner.. all these is alot to ask out of me... considering the person i am.. and the situation i am in is not making it any easier...

If all turns out well.. then the ideal plan will execute.. One year... One year.. just one year.. I hope it flies.. all cos i work it out the way i wanted it.. And then.. and then ...

I dont want to dream of it too much... haha!

P.S. keerthu.. u better not kavukz me! Or i'll wring your neck! :p

2007-11-14T16:08:00.000+08:00

dear time...

Please please fly fast...

I want to go home.. Haiz!

=(

2007-11-14T08:56:00.000+08:00

Its 8.55 am...

Barely anyone is here yet..

ironically... work starts at 8.30 am

I was warned by my team lead....

that the co. policy is 8.30 am work starts...

So i should not come in timings 8.45am -9 am

Like i have been for the first few mths..

Just like the rest.. and her..

But at some pt .. it deemed as unacceptable to her anymore

So she said...

U must reach the seat at 8.30 am...

Eversince.. i have been sticking to that...

But..

I've almost never seen her reach here at that time...

Life can be unfair..

dowright unfair..

Like this?

2007-11-13T15:00:00.000+08:00

It's a pity... this is a going to be a sad sad blog for sometime.. Its a pity cos that not wat i started it for....

I pity my readers... who are frying their precious brain cells w/o their own knowing trying to figure what on earth is going on with this gal.It's a pity cos.. they happen to be my friends..

I pity my mom ... i told her that she has no idea what i feel.. its pity cos its the truth that she silently admits too.

I pity my father...he's thinking that i think that he thinks that i think that he thinks that(sosf) ... that.. "my love for my family is being under estimated"... It's a pity... cos such a thought is lingering in the realm of where my family resides.

I pity my brother.. He has been there for me all this while .. its a pity.. cos i so happen to be his sister and that leads to a share in my mess..

I pity my sis in law.. she took a gamble and walked into this family with zero expectations.. Its a pity... cos as a wife.. she shares her husband's burden.. and hence.. a share of his sister's mess..

I pity alot of my other relatives... friends.. frienemies.. wellwishers.. they think i am having a blissful life... smiling in love.. somwhere out there... Its a pity.. cos thats not the way it is actually...

No I dont pity myself at all... And its not a pity that i dont...

2007-11-13T14:28:00.000+08:00

Warning: Nonsense ahead!

My life is still the same as it has been for the past month. However, what i feel has been some what like a round about. One day i feel so determined to achieve and excel. The following day, i fall into melancholy. And then next day, I feel so down that i could literally fall cos of it. And the day after, I feel that all these is so surreal. And the next day i get sick and angry of the past few days. And the next day i plan to seize the day... and the next day.. and the next day.. and the next day.. day.. by .. day.. by.. day.. bhaz!

Where is this going to go. I feel i have suddenly lost my drive to live. Yet I feel that i should take this chance to live to the fullest and take pride in striving with freedom.

The end is reaching. When its over. That point.

...

This thought.... eats me inside out.

Let's see 25 yrs old and... what is shanti going to be like? Like this? Like that? Oh but what about that? Nah ... then .. this? ah.. well! watever! no.. i cannot say that.. see.. its in my hands.. i should see to it that.. this is e way i want that.. and that shld be done this way... so i should be doing this and this for now.. and in the meanwhile.. i should refrain from this and that.. after which, that and that will come along.. and then i hope that.. that .. will turn out fine..

oh wait a min.. how is that supposed to b fine.. whats fine to you shanti?

and wat was that?

oh.

...

2007-11-12T11:40:00.001+08:00

ok So here is the first post to my brand new blog..
wouldnt call it "perfecto!"
but will do...

My side bar is rather.. hm... empty?
I dont like the font size..
but i'm happy with the tag box..(thats cos i customized it!)

I miss the little "It's my say" corner there..
Blogger is becoming rather unfriendly and testy at times..
maybe cos i am growing old.. and i am becoming resistent to the new features..

i really miss my old one though.. and i bet it misses me too..
But whats gotta go..
gotta go..
Oh hell.. i am sure i'll find one that suits me better in time...

So you can expect more changes to this blog over time..

Thats all for now..

Ta ra!